Jim Screechy- Cynical Jamaican Social, Political & Media Commentary (Not a blog bitches)

Truth or Farce?

2007-10-16T05:50:00.001+05:00

Introspective?

2007-07-14T20:06:00.001+05:00

Who we are and what we promise. Whether it be to one person or to the masses.
Who to trust, what to do.

Does it make a difference now or in the future? How do the masses choice their opium?

Who will lie responsibly(?) for the swaying of two million votes. Will it be the conceptualiser or will it be the overpowering, historical dedication of the of grass roots?

I am Jim Screechy's resolve.

Leaked Bob Woolmer Jamaican S&M Video

2007-07-12T20:00:00.000+05:00

The powers that be have written off the Bob Woolmer case, stating that he died from natural causes. Horsewash! As promised, I'm providing one of the last trists Bob Woolmer had while in Jamaica before fatally being strangled by a Latina whore from Platinum.

Here we see Bob going at it in real S&M fashion with whips and chains in the background. He even donned a wig for the session and incorporated some of the training techniques of counting, he used with his Pakistan team. Man I tell you, everybody's got deep dark secrets eh?

Rest in peace Bob, at least you got to sow your wild oats before kicking the bucket.

Cornwall 'Bigga' Ford In Reverse

2007-04-19T18:52:00.000+05:00

Bob Woolmer's Death Caused By Local Ghetto Slam

2007-03-22T20:06:00.000+05:00

Amid the skepticism surrounding the death of the Pakistan Coach, there hasn't been much research into the clear and obvious fact ( nevertheless politically incorrect) that Woolmer simply died from his voracity for ethnic flesh.

The typical scapegoat of consorting with illegal bets and sport corruption plays no part in his demise. Woolmer suffered from the exact same viral disease that all men (and non gender hand puppets like myself) suffer from-the need to conquer yet another piece of female flesh.

The proximity of punnany (not Punjabi) is what led him to choose the Jamaica Pegasus as the choice hotel for the team. New Kingston, is full of agents of flesh, and the Platinum night club was to be his chosen stop. Thoughts of engaging in ethnic delights reached out to his masculine core and tugged him from his hotel room that night. Sources say that Woolmer left Pegasus, was seen at Platinum, and returned to his hotel room with a "young lady in a blood red dress."

What many didn't know about Woolmer, is that he liked to engage in a certain sexual fetish known as the "Scissor Hold" and longed to try out a local for his next and fatal interaction as well as getting a local Ghetto Slam to boot. As fate would have it, he took back to the hotel with him, not a local JA girl, but one of the popular Latina's from Platinum. A leaked picture taken in the hotel room shows Woolmer and the prostitute engaging in the sexual act that killed him. Speculation is that the Latina's English was not so good and that Woolmer's pleas or shouting of the safety word, indicating for her to stop, were interpreted by the Latina whore, to squeeze tighter.

"How Stella got her groove back" led many black American women, to Jamaican hotels in search of a male from the Food & Beverage or watersports department for a mate. The islands sexually explicit dancing has lured many foreign men to the shores of Jamaica, seeking the famous dancehall Ghetto Slam that's been given worldwide recognition. poor Woolmer was just taking advantage of being in the country at the right time.

The Ghetto Slam is a predominantly vigorous and gymnastic styled sex performed by local women and can be learned rather easily by ethnics such as the Latina above. Many foreign men seek such acts to supplement and even in some cases replace the boorish sexual acts performed by their less than desirable wives.

Woolmer, being very old wasn't up for the requirements of the Ghetto Slam and his stamina level was depleted to a point where he was unable to prevent the crushing of the bones in his neck, like previous encounters. This slow and cruel crushing caused him to loose control over his bowels, resulting in the excretement found on the floor of the hotel room.

It's common that persons from different cultures other than the Caribbean, revolve around a much slower pace of living. This slower pace affects both physical movement, agility (which supports the fact that most Europeans/westerners are Porkers) and ability to be cunning. Citizens of a first world country don't have to conceptualize cunning ways of beating the system and dodging the police. A first/second world country supplies a quantity and level of comforts allowing the citizens to move and live at a slower pace. However it's interesting to note that if we as a third world country are suppose to be more cunning and 'faster' as a result of the system, why do many of our top business leaders remain white? Unfortunately I'll have to touch on that in another post.

In short, Woolmer lived up to stereotype of a typical white man, that "Can't handle the wuk"

F$^*) You, Pay Me! (Part 3) Shifta Interview

2007-02-19T01:54:00.000+05:00

Below is one of the hardest interviews I've ever had to do. Why? The interviewee was constantly stuffing his face, smacking his lips,talking creole and answering his cell phone. "Shifta, the girl dem Mr." eh? Doubt it! I think your music leaves much to be desired-honestly the lyrics and production quality is real low. Stick to reaping the benefits of living in Florida and go open a Golden Krust franchise.

NB.- His career must be going south as his posse's website has been suspended.

Shifta- “changing gears with the times”

Shifta, “The girl dem Mista”, born and hardened in Jamrock, exported to U.S.A to reap the benefits of a ’higher’ minimum wage, Uncle Sam’s education, strengthen his D.J craft and to round up better looking groupies on the get go.

Who is Shifta you ask? Shifta, a part of the budding group “Fras Krew” in his own right has come of age and of his own standing. Like most artists who start out in the group crutch, Shifta was the one who “got out” first and started doing his own thing.

Now that he’s gained his own mass following, has his Toppa Top Super Producer dad as his backitive and his promotions company doing big things both in Florida and the “876” (Jamaica), Shifta has enough clout behind his name to be rejecting big name recording houses like Def Jam and Jay Records, when they approach him with deals.

He’s had major success and air play time with his singles, “Ganja Shop” and “Nuff Gyal” which are testosterone packed party melodies, based of what he says are analogies to his life experiences and struggles to his place in stardom.

After being exported by his parents to MIA in 1993, from the ‘less than fortunate’ upper class area of Jacks Hills, Kingston Jamaica, Tamrat “Shifta” Mason began his journey towards his musical career by joining a DJ squad dubbed as “Wickidness International”, being recruited as a sound selector, carrying sound boxes, doing his rounds for various parties in the surrounding area and fine tuning his craft. The music industry and culture were something he's always been exposed to from his years as a teen; his dad in the early 1990’s was a well known and respected Jamaican producer that made extremely popular hits for the likes of “General Degree”, “Lady Saw” and ”Buccaneer” .

Shifta’s style of recording is extremely distinctive-Dancehall influenced with American Hip Hop terminology slapped in a couple of times on the track to give it that extra raw boundary; on stage performances filled with unrelenting vigor and unique style. The approach to marketing his career and music are the way of the hustling underdog that could: mixed CD’s and straight up Guerrilla marketing; he is determined to make it on his own first before accepting any lucrative deals.

Being heavily into Reggateon and Reggae music, he’s in the progress of doing collaborations with popular artists like “Pit Bull”, “Rhianna”, “Tami Chin”, “Turbulence” and “Gyptian” and has worked with Jamaican producers such as, “Jazzy T”,”DJ Karim”, “Supa Hype”, “Danny Champagne”, and “Stephen McGregor”.

“I recognized that being in the music game, the only way to stay fresh and on the tip of everyone’s tongue is to keep your game tight; always re-inventing yourself, doing new collaborations and maintaining an appealing image to the public.”

In working with the modern, popular and damn smart trend of being in the music business, Shifta has also taken to the smart move of marketing...everything. Six months ago he started a Record Label and he’s had a lucrative family operated business for the past three years- “Timeless Promotions/Entertainment”, which does a mix of money making ventures including promoting chic all-inclusive parties and the infamous cliched venture – the clothing line. I asked him if he was thinking about doing a deal with Reebok for a infamous rap artist inspired “White on white” sneaker- it’s not something he’s thought about yet, but it’s something he would definitely look into.

As always there is the malleable side of all hardcore artists. Money, respect and bitches can only last for so long and get you so much coochie, so Shifta has affiliated himself with what I like to refer to as the “The Social Cause”. Acquiring those now popular/annoying/over sized arm rubber bands (made popular by Mr. One Testicle- Lance Armstrong) with their respective causes branded on. Shifta and his posse sold a whopping 50,000 pieces and contributed to the proceeds to the A.I.D.S foundation.

He also ‘donated’ during the period of March-May 2005, five thousand copies of his mixed CD to less fortunate individuals in the New York and Miami area-whether this latter “Social Cause” initiative was another smart guerrilla marketing strategy or a genuine ‘relief’ effort is yet to be determined. However, I'm sure the bums he handed them out to are still figuring out how to rip the plastic of the CD cases.

Shifta is determined and relentless; he’s doing big things at such an early age of 22. Look out and recognize the smashing sound of this artist on the airwaves, stages and in some hot groupies CD player, his lyrics and flow will surely captivate and shift you’re your attention towards him.

Holla,

Jim Screechy

F@^* You, Pay Me! (Part 2) Safia Cooper & Zachary Harding Interview

2007-02-19T01:50:00.000+05:00

What makes an Event Brand Manager successful?

Being a cynical writer, I choked when the “Boss Lady” hurled this topic at me, but as High Society’s newest ‘Elite Gopher’, proving my abilities are somewhat necessary in order to be a part of this classy entourage.

Before I get into my contractual obligation of delivering a Politically Correct Article, let me get in my spin first:

In a nutshell, Event Brand Management entails conceptualizing, planning, organizing and finally executing an event. Constant creativity, meticulous planning and venue management all come together in keeping the promoter’s names on the lips of the socially elite and masses for the next couple of months.

Example- “You did hear seh (Insert Popular Promoter Name Here) party did tough?!, Yow star, him tings always vibes!”

The social constituent of being a Brand Manager entails a lot of Public Relations, polite banter, and sometimes the proverbial ‘random’ photo opportunity amidst a select few personas- surrounding your self with professionals is a necessary task if you want to be viewed as a serious, business savvy individual.

Let’s get out of my witty banter and hear from some true professionals on the subject matter. First up, Mr. Zachary Harding- Director of Marketing for Wisynco Group, fourteen year veteran in Event Brand Management, a hundred plus events in the wake of his name, and an all around stand up guy.

Mr. Harding reminisces on one of the most popular events he personally took part in-“Groove In the Hill”, which boasted top international artists such as, “112”, “Sean Paul” and “Mr. Vegas”. Though it was held a good seven years ago, he remembers this event as one of his most enjoyable.

“I really enjoyed watching the process from its infant-like stages; grow into one of the most successful events that year.”

Also in that time period, was “Juice”. One of the first all-Inclusive party’s in Jamaica, “Juice” had innovative and methodological ideas such as the “Pay As You Drink” concept which actually refunded patrons $20 for every shot that they took!

Of course we all remember the infamous Club Liquid, held at both Devon House and Quad- a long running Dynamic Club experience that spanned five years. I personally must say that this was one of my first and better clubbing experiences, based on the quality diversity of music delivered by the D.J’s coupled with the aura of the night.

The more corporate launches Mr. Harding has been involved with were, the classy Smirnoff Black Ice Launch Series, Smirnoff Experience and Heineken Green Synergy. All of these alcohol beverages have become successful and are leading in the Jamaican market.

Mr. Harding stated, “Anyone who is creative, has good organizational skills, enjoys meeting people to form good inter-personal relationships and is willing to work hard to experience the thrill of achievement is rightly suited to enter into this field. This is a profession that demands precision, the challenge of meeting deadlines in a stipulated time and budget and the patience to pay attention to every small detail of things that go into organizing. Re-inventing the wheel constantly is necessary in order to make a good event, never try and do something that has been done before.”

Mr. Harding also pointed out that the effort ultimately provides a great deal of satisfaction-having organized a successful show which is appreciated by the audience. Of course, one also needs to be prepared to handle any mishaps that may happen at the last minute despite perfect co-ordination and arrangements.

I personally have a problem with food not being at most party’s and asked him why is it, that people like me, who are in constant need of ‘carbs’ are almost never catered for.

“People like you must eat at their house. The only elements needed for a good party are, a good selection of music, good sounding music, ease of access to drinks and lot’s of women. Even if it’s mostly women at a party, they don’t mind seeing each other”.

In closing, I had to find out the truth about the recurrent socially elite scenario: Loads of beautiful people in glossy magazines, and if it really was something he saw himself drawn to. Mr. Harding disagreed to the idea of him, ‘flossing’ and photo opportunities as part of business persona. “I’m more concerned with conceptualizing and fine tuning an event, Public Relations is secondary. I find myself constantly criticizing what I could have done different at a party, while all my friends are busy having fun.”

Second up, the lovely Ms. Safia Cooper, Brand Manager for Smirnoff Ice and Smirnoff Vodka at Red Stripe.

Jim Screechy: What are your primary duties as a Brand Manager?

Safia:

“Primarily, my role as a Brand Manager is to develop the long term strategy for the brands that I manage. This includes identifying the consumer issues that the brands face and addressing these issues with relevant activities, which include events, promotions, advertising, etc. On a daily basis I work cross functionally with the different departments within Red Stripe such as Sales, Event Marketing, Production, etc as well as the advertising and executioning agencies and promoters. Smirnoff as a global brand requires that I also interface with the International Smirnoff Brand owners on an ongoing basis.”

Jim Screechy: What, in your opinion, overall, would make a successful brand manager?

Safia:

“Being able to think strategically, being consumer driven, the ability to crack consumer insights, having charisma and being sociable. A successful brand manager has to be able to leverage the aforementioned skills so as to deliver the impact for the brand and the company.”

Jim Screechy: What do you think are the most important factors in making a successful party/event?

Safia:

“The experience that patrons have when attending an event is of utmost importance. This experience encompasses all elements of an event. These include:

The event must be built upon a unique concept which can engage patrons.
The event must be marketed in a fashion that attracts the target audience.
The comfort/ease in getting to the actual venue of the event. (where shuttle service is provided)
The security service provided. (to encompass the event parking lot to patrons just having a sense of safety at the event)
The professionalism of the bar service. (ease of getting drinks at the bar to just common courtesy of the bar staff)
Great caterers. (where it is an all inclusive event food should not run out and must be prepared properly)
The music provided. (there should be less talk and more spinning)
Getting value for money. (any event offering made to patrons must be delivered upon by the promoter)

Jim Screechy: As a brand manager do you do a lot of PR?

Safia:

“PR opportunities do come about especially around brand activities, and it’s not only about 'taking pictures with random people in glossy magazines'. These PR opportunities are strategically driven, so as to ensure that brand exposure is achieved.”

Jim Screechy: Do you like the whole PR side of the job?

Safia:

“Yes. The PR portion of this job does have its perks!”

Jim Screechy: Would you help promote anything you didn’t believe in?

Safia:

“No. Particularly if I believe that it’s something that is immoral, essentially it goes against my principles and values. “

Jim Screechy: Have you ever promoted anything you didn’t believe in?

Safia:

“No.”

Jim Screechy: How long have you been in the position that you're currently in?

Safia:

“I’ve been with Red Stripe for four years, and I started working on these brands two years ago.”

Jim Screechy: Do you think in order to be a good brand manager, having a popular last name helps, or a parent?

Safia:

“No, in fact there are many persons at Red Stripe and the wider industry who do not know who my father is!”

Jim Screechy: Did the last name help though?

Safia:

“No, because within Diageo (multinational parent company for Red Stripe) leadership and functional (marketing) capabilities determines your success within the company. “

Jim Screechy: Really now? Be honest.

Safia:

“I am being honest!

Jim Screechy: What are some of the events/parties that you’ve worked on?

Safia:

“Smirnoff Experience, Special Delivery, Smirnoff Xclusive, Blink, Osmosis, Smirnoff Ice Univercity Tour, etc. “

Jim Screechy: Do you think being a female Brand Manager has an advantage over a male Brand Manager? Is there a difference anyway whatsoever?

Safia:

“No, however I do look better in pictures!!”

Jim Screechy: Do you honestly think that there is a point, other than different viewpoints, why my editor would want me to interview both a male and female Brand Manager? Is the sex much of an issue in Brand Management?

Safia:

“No, capability is more critical to the role. However having personality is also a plus!”

F@^* You, Pay Me! (Part 1) -Jim Screechy's US$500 Winning Rebuttal

2007-02-19T01:00:00.000+05:00

Below, a lil foreign cutie tried to test me in a "He said, She said" article for an overseas entertainment magazine- she was smashed instantly upon my rebuttal and withered away into obscurity, whilst, yours truly was victorious and won the US$500.00 prize. I hear she now lives in Alaska searching for the meaning of life. Better luck next time wench!

For Richer or Poorer, in Cleanliness and Hunger
by: Dana Schwarborough

“…She cook mi food and keep me place clean, she press mi shirt and fix me pants seam, she’s the girl of my dreams…”
“Love All Girls” (Ching Chong Medley), Beenie Man

Do you, Lisa, take thee, Nicholas, to be your lawful wedded husband-for better or worse, for richer or poorer, to have and to hold, to love and to cherish; to honor and to respect in sickness and in health till death do you part?
These familiar words grace many-an-ear on that magical day women of every age, race, or social standing dream of. Now read it again. Take a long and hard look at this declaration that makes up conventional wedding vows. Nowhere among these words does it dictate specific roles that women should play within the sanctity of which they are about to enter. What if traditional wedding vows (for those individuals who pass on writing their own) read as such: Do you, Lisa, take thee, Nicholas, to be your lawful wedded husband-for better or worse, for richer or poorer, to have and to hold, to love and to cherish, to cook and clean for, to submit to his every request, to honor and to respect in sickness and in health till death do you part? Kind of changes the perspective a bit, doesn’t it?
Island women generally live by society’s standards: we man the home, tend to the children, and typically love, honor, and obey our husbands (as traditional wedding vows would mandate). Not only do Caribbean women abide by society’s standards, we go above and beyond the norm to perform other outrageous tasks that these men ask of us. You would think that that would be enough, right? Wrong! Some men often make these tasks a requirement, a basis on which they make their decision of whether or not a woman qualifies as “wifey” material. In fact, Dancehall artist Beenie Man goes so far as to call this type of woman “the girl of his dreams.” Ok…so in a nutshell, the way to hook a Caribbean man is to be his domestic princess? If a woman is no Sous Chef or is domestically challenged, she isn’t suitable enough to be an island man’s fantasy? Well alert the masses and raise the red flag because for some, this just may pose a problem.
There is a colossal Caribbean presence here in the States, and with the migration, culture inevitably follows. If there is one thing that people from the islands in the West Indies have in common, it is the domestic character that women are expected to play.
Let’s take a deeper look. Island men can be portrayed using two extremes: there is the easygoing man who appreciates the clothes-washing, the cleaning, and the daily homemade meals (these men do not enjoy fast food!) but more often than not, lends a helpful hand without being asked; or there is the backyard man who goes strictly by the book. Women are expected to perform certain tasks and this is the man who wants those things done, end of discussion. We usually end up with the latter, don’t we?
When I see how my friends behave in their relationships and what their boyfriends/husbands “require” of them, I shake my head in shame because I cannot see myself doing half the things that these women do. In fact, I often find myself telling my friends to go against what these men see as normal, everyday routine because I believe in 50/50 and in give-and-take. Examine this example: A girlfriend of mine came home extremely tired from a full day of work and could not get to the cooking that evening (although she cooks everyday) because she chose to rest her body instead. Her boyfriend (Guyanese), who mind you, was off from work and at home all day, gave her an attitude when he saw her lying in bed. When she asked him what the problem was, he replied, “What the hell do you expect me to eat tonight?” What does she expect you to…? (Sigh) breathe…inhale…exhale…lower the blood pressure…Here’s a thought: it may not have dawned on you amidst the hunger pains, but how about getting off your lazy behind and cooking something yourself? You would rather starve than to prepare something to eat? Ever heard of a refrigerator? Don’t you know what a pot looks like? Has the light bulb in your head turned on yet? Why don’t you cook the meal and while you are at it, serve her tonight because she is exhausted. Give the girl a break!
Guys, it is one thing to make a point about a household situation; it is another thing to be belligerent about the whole thing. Have some compassion. Have some understanding. You claim to be men, act like it! Is it unmanly to wash the clothes that you stink up and dirty? Are you not being a man if you clear the table after dinner? To many women, you are being more than a man and that is what we love.
With the changing times, the ridiculous things that some Caribbean men expect purely should not be expected. Women are making moves. We are advancing. We are more independent, we are landing corporate positions, challenging the world and most importantly, ourselves. Society in general has shifted tremendously from when our parents were growing up. Households are morphing from men being the breadwinners to both marital entities possessing careers. As such, we have some serious catching up to do.
Marital expectations are in place because of upbringing; the way that-as a child growing up-some watched their parents act towards one another. Simply put, as maturing adults, men can only anticipate their wives providing as their mothers did for their fathers; and in some instances, this behavior is all that some island women know. Let it be known, the men have been spoiled for way too long!
Picture it, ladies: waking up in the early morning to have breakfast already prepared, coming from work to find the house tidy, dinner on the table, clean clothes put away neatly in the drawers, and our feet in the hands of our Caribbean kings, receiving a much-needed foot massage. Wouldn’t it be nice?
Yes, culture is vital. Where we come from will always play a role in the person we are to become and what we would expect of others. However, relationships should always be about conciliation. A man or husband is not a being who trots off to work in the morning, comes home to sit at the table and eats du riz cole avec pois and banane peze or the roti and curry chicken that his wife prepared for him. He doesn’t solely supply the finances from his career to pay the usual bills or please his woman by taking her on a sexual vacation in order to give her a break from her day-to-day routine of getting the kids off to school, cooking dinner, and tidying up the house. On the contrary, he is a being who is in touch with his masculinity, so much so that he can wake up and get the kids ready for school, make the bed, or wash the dishes in order to give his wife a break because she had a long and tiresome day making a phenomenal presentation to important clients at her place of business.
The Caribbean is home to us, regardless of whether or not we live in the States. Customs will undeniably shadow every individual with the intention of preserving identities. In the midst of it all, life is about progression. Married life is about sacrifice and compromise. Responsibilities, especially household ones, should not lie in the lap of the woman. Marriage is a partnership. Domestic values should exist so that both marital parties are involved. It relieves a lot of tension and stress, which in turn saves both husband and wife a lot of time...time that can be devoted to those much needed sexual vacations.

Jim Screechy's Rebuttal

(Tag!)-It seems to be my turn, now for my rebuttal to that washy eulogy you just read:

“Pimping isn’t easy, but somebody’s got to do it.”- Jim Screechy

Prelude:

(Obviously fat chick/ girlfriend/wife enters room and asks boyfriend/husband:

“Honey, do you think I’m fat?”

Men, do you want THESE familiar, recurring words, stinging at you ears for the rest of your life? Well whether you like it or not, it’s going to happen, especially if you’re the family type guy who wants picket fences, kids and a... (cough, cough)...wife.

Ok, I’m all for a happy some-timish monogamous relationship like most dudes, but let’s get one thing straight….let’s keep it REAL! Caribbean women, though the most beautiful variety of women on earth, come with flaws that are unique to this region.

Let’s get one thing straight from the start- chicks cook, full stop. It’ somewhere embedded in your DNA structure to do so. It’s undeniable. Check your old CXC Integrated Science textbook if you’ve forgotten, it’s in there somewhere..I think.

Too much superfluous babble has been spent over the years yapping about guys who don’t go in the kitchen to cook. Why don’t we? First of all, we don’t have the patience, finesse, pickiness or stringent personality needed to measure minute ingredients, adjust correct temperatures and trying to figure out if there’s a real freaking difference between “mixing” batter when you should actually be “folding”. If you really look at it, such intricate details are better left for the sex used to such anal behavior on a day to day basis-the female. Females after all do have a lot of daily practice in the areas of intricate details, in the guise of “yapping”, “badgering” or even “mental bludgeoning” of the male species.

While I’m in the kitchen, let me get rid of this lazy stigma that has shrouded us Caribbean males. Why do we prefer it when our Caribbean women cook? Why is it that after your long day of work, we come home and bitch about food not being hot and ready? Caribbean women are the best cooks in the world and we hate a day to go by without your lovely cooking, it’s like our daily bread, full stop. There’s no great mystery. So if you see us bitching and complaining; it’s actually our deep love and craving for your cooking, manifesting itself in anger (and even a bitch slap here or there) Don’t over analyze what I just said, just believe it. Another point, is that we love the build up to that good meal you prepare; the actual preparation-the sight of your full round Caribbean rear ends jiggling as you stir that pot-round and round and round and round…

Relationships are all about giving and taking and both parties’ bring something to the table to unite one wholesome and fruitful union. If you really think about it, it’s not that Caribbean men never contribute to household tasks, its not that we’re lazy; it’s just that we play more of a supporting role. Without us, the ladies wouldn’t even be able to do those lovely tasks around the house. We don’t ever do anything constructive in the kitchen? Who installed that overpriced, purely superficial faucet that you hoaxed us into getting? Who drains the sink when it’s clogged with the gunk you created during one of your famous weekend culinary experiments? Who spent two hours, on their back, amidst rusty pipes and dirty water, installing that (also) overpriced Corian kitchen sink you wanted? If you calculated the sum of all the installations we men did ourselves, you’d realized that we saved our ‘Union’ a lot of money, versus getting a so called ‘professional’ to do it. Look on it this way, for all that money we saved; the least you could do to pay us back is make a couple meals a day and throw in a random BJ here and there. Deal?

In closing, I must say that it’s looking rather sticky for Caribbean women out there. I love you, but your time looks like it’s possibly coming to an end, so please step your game up. If we give you an opportunity, please show your first-rate colours-it’s the least you can do for all those times of dragging us through emotional hell, when you had all those other guys running down your heels and us standing on the side like some first rate “watch di pooms”. We Caribbean men are looking for independent women who can go through the ups and downs of a relationship, someone who will still stick around and encourage us if we loose our job or if we’re under stress; someone whose body ‘snaps back’, as if nothing happened after having a couple of kids; someone who doesn’t bitch, moan and nag; someone spontaneous, swallows and is beautiful- a white tourist woman.

"Ahhh...so can we make buggery legal now?"

2007-01-19T21:22:00.000+05:00

Attorney -General A.J Nicholson is foaming at the mouth and perhaps other orifices over Governments hesitancy to decriminalize buggery. During parliamentary deliberations Senator spewed forth statements depicting his burning passion to no longer live in fear of being prosecuted for a life, some say is secret. "There is no intention, whatever, that any section or provision of the Buggery Act is to be amended. Period! " based on reports within the parliament many were shocked with such a statement. Nicholson was said to be near the point of tears as he passionately argued his views on why the act should be seen as an alternative to females.

"The days of Sodom and Gomorrah are long gone, but many nowadays still have these and only these urges as the only way to copulate! And whilst we're on the subject of decriminalizing buggery, we should make same sex marriages legal to! Let a man and my man...I mean another man be together if they want...or a woman and a woman, whatever the case may be!"

Live Chickens Fly, But Dead Chickens Will Fly Higher!

2007-01-19T19:14:00.000+05:00

Jamaica's largest producer of poultry has clucked that chicken prices will fly high over the next week or so.

Christopher Levy, rich snob of poultry operations of Jamaica Broilers Group, clucked that prices and chickens will fly sky high to increase to as much as 5% in two weeks mash.

The increasing price of corn is stated to be the cause of the oncoming price hike, but specialists in the industry have devised a plan to solve the problem. Shytie Undies, head of operations on the company's production pen, and hopeful individual for the president post, has initiated a revolutionary experiment to recycle corn. "Anyone human who has ever ate corn knows that at least 25% of that said corn consumed comes back out undigested in poop. Consumers shouldn't have to pay more for good quality chicken just because the price of corn has gone up. Chicken meat is the most popular protein source for Jamaicans, so let's recycle the pooped corn and kick back that savings onto the consumers!"

There has been speculation about these methods of feeding undigested corn to chickens, but Shytie Undies claims that anyone who has ever been to a mass production pen for chickens should note that the ground is littered in feces anyway. " If you really look good, 75% of the ground full of chicken shit, and when time the chickens get fed, sometimes the feedin' drop on the ground. You think the chickens are smart enough to wait and pick carefully at what's on the ground when them trying to eat? "

"No More Rum Bars for Police!" says Portia

2007-01-15T23:55:00.000+05:00

Sista P has warned the police to immediately cease and desist the daily stops at the local rum bar. The afternoon stops, a staple for many young, wayward and inept policemen, facilitate the leaking of secret operational plans that are to take place in the future.

"It's because of these ungodly acts of alcohol consumption on the job why there is so much crime in the western end of the island! The police are blabbing secrets to their rum buddy's or to ease droppers set up by the criminal ring to listen out for tips in rum bars, knowing full well that one or two squaddies will pass through and have a drink!"

Highlighting the recent investigation into corrupt cops, it's been duly noted that corruption or thoughts thereof first start at the local rum bar where rookie cops, stopping for refreshment, get lured into the underworld of crime and money. Rum Bars are where most drug lords or 'top shottaz' stop to show off their money and bling to the local bar rats/hoochies.

Reports show that whilst in the bar, police of different moral caliber are often put to shame and jeered as they're only capable of affording a soda or sky juice to quench their thirst while those above the law, who don't do half of the social work they do or receive the daily sun pelting and bus fumes, are able to afford say a ice cold Tropical Rhythms or fancy Northern American refreshment.

Rum Bars as Sista P states are a, "...Pot of Evil. Facilitating corruption of our policemen who are more than satisfied with their paltry government wages and facilities."

Corporate Debauchery- escaping the monotony of your 9-5 job

2006-12-26T04:33:00.000+05:00

For those unfortunate to be in a job you don’t like, here are a couple of interesting exercises to relieve the repetitiveness of your daily grind. It should be noted, that assessing the ineptness of your immediate supervisor or HR manager before carrying out such activities is very important.

Maximizing your lunch time

A much often overlooked and under assessed loophole in corporate Jamaica. Take your packed lunch to work and under the pretense of going to the bathroom; chow down on your food. The result will remove your hunger AND still allows you a one hour break to either visit your significant other for a quick shag or get interviewed for that job opening without letting your boss know your business.

Office Olympics

Leaving an active lifestyle at college or high school to enter the mundane tasks of a job can have disastrous effects on an individual’s mental health. For those who are used to having an active lifestyle, engaging in some blood pumping Office Olympics is the right way to regain that lost adrenaline rush. There are a number of things you can do, but this activity requires some amount of space so choose wisely. It’s always suggested that the activities have a reward, such as the victor buys lunch, etc.

Office Hurdles

Place about three to five desks in front of each other and see who can jump over each faster. This is a true test of endurance and will get your blood pumping and even make you sweat, so reserve this one for when your boss is guaranteed not to be back for an hour at least.

Office Equipment Hammer

Sick of that old wired mouse or keyboard on your desk? Too embarrassed to carry your significant other in your office, fearing ridicule. Stationary Hammer get’s rid of any prehistoric equipment and forces your boss to get on board with wireless technology. Stationary Hammer works with immediate effect, is gratifying and requires the least exertion of energy for entertainment. Whether it be stationary, or electronics, simply grab any tethered piece of office equipment, whirl it around your head and aim for the coffee mug by the annual report. Your boss will realize the disastrous effects wired technology poses to the continuance and timeliness of the organization and upgrade to wireless technology.

Partition Pole-vaulting

A must have for this exercise is a mop from the janitor’s closet and …well a partition. I recommend that you not use partitions higher than 5ft for obvious reasons. Simply get ready your mop, make sure that partition isn’t wobbly, that there’s a decent landing space behind it (void of thumbtacks) and hurl yourself over it!

Politically Correct Sexual Harassment

Unfortunately in Jamaica, we’re a nation believing in cheap labor, so most females at an office aren’t rather appealing to the eye. For obvious reasons, this doesn’t seem to apply to females working at Air Jamaica or Scotia Bank though.

For those in drab 9-5 paper shuffling jobs, you have to resort to females that unfortunately smell like Brut aerosol, constantly scratch their heads to alleviate the symptoms of wearing cheap horse hair (weaves) and leak folds of skin from the openings of their uniforms.

Use this approach if you so happen to be blessed with a lil browning at the office:

For the first few days, give her a head nod in the morning followed by a quick, “What’s’ up?” After that’s been done, ask her for her MSN name and start including her in the forwarding of nasty emails you ever received, but be sure that you also email everyone in your list. Depending on her response, you can then assume she’s a prude or she can be hit be hit on. Either way you’re technically not in trouble and you have actually found out if she’s a freak or not without having a five minute corridor meeting about her exes.

God’s gift to employees- MSN Messenger

And on the third day, god created the horse, which through the centuries, evolved into use as a beast of burden- carting mail in the 17^th century and then was taken over by the internet. If there was anything more necessary to getting through a paper shuffling day, it would be this program. Be careful though, the more boring your job is the more likely you’ll get caught using it.

My Seed Is My Own!

2006-12-26T01:24:00.000+05:00

You know you're getting old when a bunch of college friends are falling into the social trap of marriage or producing babies.

Not that I haven't been propositioned a few times for the ‘bliss’ of the old ball and chain routine, but the circumstances were all a bit peculiar. The females were more interested in commissioning me for my essence in order to produce the perfect offspring. In their eyes, it seems, my mojo, but the lack of my actual person, would contribute to producing the perfect child, as I am of good build, lacking in excess fat, smart, amusing, and I have “nice eyes”. There was one particular female, who a bit on the plump side, raved constantly about not wanting a fat baby- that being the main reason my seed was in high demand.

As females get older, it’s quite obvious that they have a yearning to get knocked up. Unfortunately for them there is not enough males in their age group that are willing to facilitate such actions, as for men, the older they get the less likely they want to knock a female up. As each year passes and another conquering notch is added to a man’s belt, he realizes that this mating routine can be followed for the rest of his days. Why limit yourself to a measly vagin-a-day, when there is a fruitful abundance of naïve, impressionable young lasses, fresh into University that need some father like guidance in the areas of love. If all middle aged men were to be wed at 30-35, who would be there to guide the 19 year old females in the becoming of age positioning orders of, “ No honey, turn around...that’s right, arch your back and raise it up for daddy now...” ?

For some reason the media normally portrays males commissioned just for their sperm, as packers of fudge (fudge-packers). I’ve never had the slightest inclination to take part in such activities. It’s probably a period of dementia that’s experienced by females as the biological clock ticks. Sperm hungry, and wanting to nurture they're out and about sizing up any male they're close to for a ‘smalls’. This eagerness to ‘spit one out’ probably can be linked to all the cases of teacher on student sex that’s been taking place. Unfortunately I never got to experience that....bleh!

Dear Portia, Jesus himself isn't capable of turning your frog into a prince.

2006-12-19T02:12:00.000+05:00

Dear Portia,

We've all been victims of the mindset caused by fairytale books during childhood. We should probably believe that because of your rough upbringing and lack of 'the finer things in life' due to your childhood poverty, that you would have been void of such a mindset- but obviously not.

Errald Miller, your husband, sadly, is ugly. There's no kiss in the world even from the lips of one who does the bidding of God, that shall change him from a purple, spotted, CWJ employee, to a handsome and slender prince. He's always been ugly and will continue to be so until he has been seen the bottom of a vehicles tire, trying to cross the road, after hopping out of a nearby water source.

Toad-like resemblances and having a boatload of money doesn't necessarily mean that a man is attractive. Then again, when you think about it, if both individuals in a relationship have similar disguised aesthetic 'qualities'- you and your infamous wig and Errald and his unassuming face of success, then maybe, just maybe you where both made for each other...

Portia Sends Subliminal Message to The Country

2006-10-19T23:18:00.000+05:00

Thanks to one of my minions for making me aware of this picture in the Observer.

During some debate the other day Sista P was photographed doodling on a piece of paper. What many aren't aware of is that this was an actual planned subliminal message leaked to the public about her true feelings on the Trafigura incident. As the leader of any country, it's recommended, as well as being standard procedure, to back and defend members of your team that have dealt in shady or immoral negotiations. To do otherwise would mean to cause ill-will to your party and not have ‘backatives’ when you ass is also on the line and being speculated as to why you have to keep purchasing a spanking brand new Mitsubishi Pajero, each year, when you really don't need one.

The doodles are easily deciphered by persons keen on subliminal messages. Since I've had the pleasure of seeing many of my male friends get subliminal messages given to them by females totally un-interested in their advances, watched all the “Indiana Jones” movies and predicted my grade 6 teachers demise after using a Ouija board, I think it makes me a master in decoding anything.

The man drawn is clearly Colin Campbell, based on the "V" shaped receding hairline. Who else would she be drawing? There isn’t a bigger upset going on in her life- other than her husband’s capabilities in the bedroom- and the picture is obviously not representative of him. For this to be Errald Miller the doodle would need vast amounts of body fat located in the mid section and a frog like appearance with supporting pizza face.

The two cups/ mugs/ glasses/ represent the solidification of a deal. When persons/organisations made less than desirable deals in the 17th century, a deal was bonded by the drinking of an alcoholic beverage. Nowadays with the introduction of paperwork and the paper trails they leave, this tradition is more relevant and necessary.

The triangle makes reference to a standard black-magic symbol called the "Uthurak". The symbol is used in black- magic as a placeholder for the infamous "666" symbol. Each corner represents three countries, each with 6 members dedicated to doing the bidding of the dark lord, Mufasatinoram. Based on the local political atmospher, we all know that Jamaica is one of these countries and one of the members in the league is undoubtedly Omar Davies.

Portia has made it common knowledge that she has rooted herself as a vessel of the almighty lord. She does ‘HIS’ bidding and is incapable of backing any unchristian like conduct 100%- hence her 'leaked' picture to the public- it is the result of the clash betwee her consciousness bothering her and her role as a political leader. Unfortunately she has made it her mission to merge church and state-a bold move, but any one knowing of history past surely knows of all the circumstances and moments that such a move has sunken nations into oblivion.

More Sista P updates coming soon...

J. Sheezy goes corporate...bitches!

2006-06-13T03:08:00.000+05:00

Ya that's right, your boy J. Sheez got published..twice!

Look in stores for the latest publication of High Society's Entertainment Magazine to see my reviews on Busy Signal and you guessed it...relationships, entitled," There is no Ms. Right", with 'stunning' life-like graphical representations of the hooches mentioned within.

Unfortunately the latter article has been wishy washed down a lil bit on the creative side, so if you want to see the uncensored version check out the link on ma blog page!

Holla!
J. Sheezy

What you SHOULD HAVE given your mom for Mothers Day

2006-05-19T02:08:00.000+05:00

This mothers day, try and take the Jim Screechy approach: against social norms. Try something unconventional and witty.

This mothers day I'm giving my mother the ultimate gift, the gift that keeps giving and also affords me the oppurtunity to NEVER have to buy her another gift for the rest of my life!

I say try it. What's this gift? It's called "Continued Independence from your parents"- I won't ask you for anything, you dont ask me for shite for another couple of years mom. Holla!

J. Sheezy

Portia 'Sista P' Simpson spawns a plague of uppity females in Jamaica

2006-05-13T00:37:00.000+05:00

Uppity Yardy Female: any female, post- Portia winning the election, that has a revamped sense of 'feminine pride' generated by the actuality that a lady originating from the working class of Jamaican society has elevated herself to the elite heights of a Country's Government.

Ok so Portia won. The mystique has caused somewhat of a feminine uprising Yardy style. There seems to have been the start of something called “The Sista P Woman’s Nationalist Front”- No pun intended. Her victory has done more than just make history as Jamaica’s first female Prime Minister; it has inspired and created a horde of females riding the band wagon of her fame and success. Females that haven’t achieved a tenth of her accomplishments, but now have her attitude, or the attitude of a bitch (for lack of a better word) and are popping up islandwide, justified by mere association of being a female.

During my daily routine tasks of being “just some dude”, unfortunately I have come across the unsolicited wrath of such females. They range from scabby security guard to corporate elites. One thing for sure is that despite their occupation, their self esteem and confidence have reached bloodthirsty, castrating- feminist proportions- which poses a near physical, emptional and verbal threat to Jamaican males.

1.Male/Female/ She-He @ Burger King, Barbican Road

Unfortunately, for the sake of my mental health, I came across this human deviation while getting food. This attendant, while taking my order seemed to be going through a personal dilemma in his/her life, but seemed to draw strength from Sista P’s success. He/She while taking my order gave me an attitude while I merely fumbled around in my wallet trying to find my debit card. For some reason unknown to me, I guess he/ she thought I wasn’t important enough to be waited on, and started looking from side to side in disbelief and disgust as I was baffled as what to choose on the menu.

Sorry Mr. /Ms. Important Burger King cashier for taking time out of your highly stressful job of pressing buttons on a keypad, and salting the fries, to attend to me, the dude that helped pay for those ghastly floral shirt you and your cronies wear.

2. The absent female employees of Michaels Restaurant, 141 B Constant Spring Road.

I live in the Kingston 8 area and being a bachelor I need my cooked food when necessary. The females at Michaels Restaurant sure do cook a good BBQ meal and prior to the elections have been very accommodating to my whining and haste at the counter as I grovel at the smell in the restaurant.

Post elections, upon entering the premises, I have almost always come across this image. Not one subservient female in sight as I walked through the front doors of the restaurant.Even after the door squeaks open, they still wait for you to bang on the rusty bell, placed on the counter before they come out to take your order.

3. Feisty Cashier at office compound tells me I can't bore in the line, even if I pre-ordered my food.

Where I order my lunch, there are one bag of grease-laden, smelly college students, and I sure as hell am not fighting through a lunch line, like the days of high school , only to get my fancy office attire all messed up. To prevent this I make sure to call the cashier and give her my order.

All of a sudden after Portia winning, I man have to stand up in line JUST to pick up my order. What a brute! I also have to find exact change quick, quick so as not to hold up the line! :S

4. Miscellaneous walk foot Gas Station Attendant @ Texaco in Barbican (foot of Jack’s Hill)

This uppity bitch had the nerve to ask me if MY 1993 Toyota REALLY used 90 Octane?? What the hell is she trying to say- that my car is old and only look like it can use 87 octane??

After I put her in her place she ALSO has the nerve to walk of and say to her grease laden colleagues how,”Everytime da bwoy come here, is pure $100 gas him a buy!” Not only do I NOT see this woman driving to work in her OWN car, she has the nerve to talk down to me because a nigga is on a budget? Who does she think she is?? I hope there's a gas leak at that station and she bites the dust like Joan of Arc did- on Fire!

Fassy of the Year

2006-02-18T00:58:00.000+05:00

Fassy or Fossy (fossy ’ē), n. pl.-ies. - individual deemed to be unsupportive, pessimistic of methods and logistics of another person . “Bad minded” personality and criminal intent can be also factors of subject. Also, just being a plain out meanie and grump! :-(

Hello minions, there is someone fighting out the struggle for free speech, opinion, and rhetoric!

If you see this vagrant please wipe his window at a stop light, beg him for money or slash his “Right down to the wire” tires. (No I’m not talking about the hit Kanye West song)

Subject can be seen frequenting the area of Kingston 5 as well as that there swampy part of Portmore via the causeway bridge. He is sometimes hidden under the inexpensive disguise of a raggedy, sun burned, blue New York Yankees baseball cap that has seen better years…about say seven years ago! If that disguise evades your person, you can unquestionably identify him driving on the road. Firstly you will be duped into believing an old dump truck is approaching, but on receiving a confirmation visual, you’ll realize that the truck sound that you heard approaching is non other that the engine of the jalopy heap that he somehow relies on to get him from point “A” to “B”.

Not only has he been against the Jim Screechy foundation; in earlier years he had proved extremely unsupportive and critical to anything not originated solely by his person.

After which, while seeing the success of your plights, not to mention the mad groupies rushing you, he will attempt to rip-off your creative ideas in the guise of coming up with the same exact idea that you had. These attempts although similar in nature will reap the spoiled fruits of unoriginal behavior and soon will have amassed internet cobwebs, six-legged creatures and most compelling of all- ZERO COMMENTS on each and every article posted on his blog, resulting in the haunting of his psyche and most embarrassing- asking The J. Sheezy for creative help! Punishment is not yet served!

If you capture the individual you will be rewarded a meet and greet with me, where you will be expected to buy my person a tasty meal. You may or may not be allowed to come in contact with me- that decision is solely dependant on the presence of you owning real live pear shaped boobs and a killer ass, after which the decision will gravitate to a “Hell Yeah!” (Disclaimer: No hermaphrodites, sex change patients need not apply!)

One photo opportunity is included in the deal, all else will have to be paid for and those proceeds will be put to a worthy but expensive cause- visiting my friends in Portmore.

Chiney pinches, Noogies, gut punches and constant kicking in the ass are acceptable as punishment. Theft of the tarnished silver chain he holds dear to his heart, found around his neck is suggested in order to bestow extreme emotional distress. But please don’t kill him- he’s my best friend.

Ask Jim Screechy!

2006-02-17T20:19:00.000+05:00

Have ANY question you would like to answer?
ANY question? Why use a web search or flip through a dictionary when you can ask Jim Screechy.

I offer personalised detailed answers to ANY question that you may pose whether it be solutions to everyday questions that are boggling your mind, political questions, social questions, I'll answer them free of cost!

To hell with Ms. Cleo and those psychic wannabees! I'll give you the real deal, straight up!

Just leave your question in the form of a "comment" and I'll be sure to reply!

(FOR EACH QUESTION POSTED, THERE WILL BE A $500.00 DONATION TO THE LISTA GILBY SCHOOL FOR THE DEAF, SO DO YOUR PART TO CONTRIBUTE!)

Holla!

J. Sheezy

Maroons Angry??

2006-01-28T00:00:00.000+05:00

"What you talkin' bout willis??!!"

It seems the USA is bringing its domineering power to the Caribbean.

Some fancy shmansy US company wants to build a casino in the Accompong village in JA.

Did some research on why US companies like to make cash cows in derelict places, no matter where it is:

What the f*&ck are you still doing- wearing traditional outfits.

It seems that US stance in developing the area is more of a friendly caring push to us natives to ask ourselves “What the fuck are we still doing- wearing traditional slave out fits? It’s the 20^th century!”

Do you notice that the majority of these casinos are built in places, where locals still hunt for food instead of buying it? Where the language is still” abba dabbo doo daa” and not “May I have some grey poupon please?”

What benefit is it to still have Jamaicans walking around in post slavery garments beating dutch pan covers together and stamping bare feet in the dirt?.

Other than the obvious, “To keep or heritage.”, please leave a suitable comment….

The Portmore Dilemna- is a chick worth the traffic?

2005-12-15T00:55:00.000+05:00

Required Equipment for trip to Portmore

So I’m on the causeway bridge- post road paving-, gas fumes, police squaddies on the corner, loud Portmore taxi music, a construction dump truck every 10 feet, bumper to bumper traffic and one dude who wants to take a serious dump.

I ask myself how the hell did I reach in this position. Me stuck in traffic, going to meet some girl in PORTMORE, and not even a BJ in the distance for my troubles venturing “Ovah di Waters”.

It takes me 7 minutes max to reach any of yardies in Kingston 8. It takes me 20 fricking minutes to reach this chick. What is it with a Portmore chick? They’re defined by- most of them as having bubbly personalities and upbeat, but to tell you the truth, the good looking part is far and few between.

All natives of this island, definitely talk too much Creole patois for my fine taste. It did indeed take a while to get used to, and it sure helps the situation if you mock them as they speak. I’ve found waving shrimp and pasta or fried fish and festival in front of them, tames there aggressiveness for a period of 30 minutes allowing them to socialize with persons of the Kingston 8 district. You must be modest in your attempts to nourish them with uppity food as they grow to have a liking for the finer things and will soon start to burden your pocket with delicacies other than the well known Portmore food staple- KFC. Also, they are food monsters- I know of another Portmore chick that asks for pieces of foil paper at every function she goes to.

So in asking if a Portmore Girl is worth the travel, you have to ask yourself a couple questions:

Can you put up with the bad English?
Are you willing to increase your gas purchase per week from $500 to $1500.
How do you feel about being cooped up in a 6foot by foot cell..I mean room with Portmore sized mosquitoes and Portmore heat.
How do you feel about your only culinary options changing from the vast amount of delicacies in KGN, to a limited, grease laden KFC, KFC and did I say KFC, every quarter mile?
Are you willing to invest in a mandatory Electronic Mosquito Swatter?
Are you willing to come up with new and innovative ways to explain why you won’t be able to drop her ass home? (I’ve found that the “working late” line only works for max one month, after which, they tend to memorize your working habits.)

The Rat Race

2005-11-01T01:43:00.000+05:00

Portia, Phillips and Old Boy Omar. While some of us are concerned with the new leader of the PNP, Jim Screechy seems only concerned with who will look better in the most critiqued position in JA.

It’s all trivial pursuits and cosmetic appearances I’m concerned about. I did a poll and asked person the following questions; let’s see who scores the most in these paltry categories:

Questions	Simpson-Miller	Davies	That other Dude…oh..Phillips
Most expected to die of a coronary/stress related Disease.	3%	56%	41%
Most use of “ahmm”, during speeches/debates.	20%	50%	30%
Most use of the absent mind stare.	10%	20%	70%
Who seems to get first ‘dibbs’ on the latest model Mitsubishi Pajero.	15%	54%	31%
Most likely to use bi-focals in spare time to wreak havoc on unsuspecting citizens..ahm I mean insects.	ZIP!	33%	67%
Who didn’t pay attention in Public speaking class.	5%	80%	15%

Portia Simpson-Miller- Eloquent, tasteful and highly popular to female masses wearing only brightly coloured bras and tights; as well as loose wrist males. She boasts a popular rating unsurpassed by her colleagues, as she is the only politician smart enough to know about the points and popularity one can score simply by showing up at public audiences and looking like you give a damn. Portia could easily win the battle- if the decision was left up to the general public and/or if we lived in a country that would ever see a skirt in such a momentous position.

Davies- Absolutely notorious. His notoriety surpasses Portia only in the fact that he’s the reason most Jamaican motorists carry a ‘half a lass’ (small cutlass) in their car. The mere thought of having a chance to slash this mans tires or legislative writing fingers come at a risk Jamaicans are willing to take.

Davies is undoubtedly the cause of every Jamaicans’ “Blood-cloth!”, “Jeezaz Christ”, “Kiss mi Neck!”, “To Raghtid!” and other profanities after realizing how much G.C.T has amounted to, after each and every single purchase island wide.

Feared by the general public, especially near to the national budget debate, when citizens, already riddled with every tax under the sun, believe that even Jamaican popular culture scenarios are vulnerable to the tax fangs of Davies’.

I speculate the following are probable taxes-based off the enormous revenue they can generate for the Government:

Midnight Parking Tax on Knutsford Blvd, Kingston.
KFC, Manor Park, Friday Night, waiting line tax.
Downtown Sidewalk Higgler Tax.(Baggies & Bingo’s seem to have a huge profit margin down there)
Capital Crime Tax (to be imposed on sentenced prisoners for each life they snuff out)
White Collar, Kingston 8 Crime Tax
Portmore Residents’ Housing Expansion Tax ( applicable to 1 bedroom houses that miraculously turn into 5 bedroom, 2 story houses overnight.)
Uptown Kid’s Travelers’ Tax (presently under the disguise as “speeding tickets”) on route to Heroes, Emancipation, Labour Day and Easter Weekend parties.
Jamaican “Rotisserie Chicken Craze” Tax. (Talk about a freaking benefit to the bachelors and wutless housewives man!

PHILLIPS- the person partly responsible for every defunct crime fighting initiative.
Silent, swift and damn near forgotten in terms of publicity. Countless times during this article I had to Google this dude! He’s been around so long, but I’ll be darned if I can remember his first name for more than an hour. Very notorious for hiring a deranged psychopath as Police Superintendent to do his bidding on the streets of Jamaica. ( See article entitled, “Operation Kingfish-JA’s new crime fighting initiative)

I'm back in two shakes of a lambs tail!

2005-10-26T03:24:00.000+05:00

Hello loyal subjects. Due to the suppressiveness of my 9-5, I haven't been posting as regular as I would like to.

Some developments have occured, and I promise to you, my sheep ,that I will now be delivering a modest amount of my 'dope' to you.

In conjunction I will try my best to actually respond to the comments that you leave behind, instead of just reading them and quitely calling you a doosh bag.

Who the Hell is Ms. Right? I’m looking for Ms. Right Now!

2005-10-21T21:02:00.000+05:00

When I started writing this piece, my sole purpose wasn’t just to try and make an extra buck, this serves as a Public service Announcement to all my brothers.

I want to enlighten the masses about the painful but undeniable truth- there is no “Ms. Right.” It’s a phony prophecy conjured and hammered into our heads from watching those blasted animated Disney movies at an early age, promising everlasting, unwavering love and happiness.

There is no right chick, we men are fickle, and only deal with what feels right at the time. After each painful removal of our heart by that girl we had a crush on, guys quickly figure out what to do next time-why search, when you can wait until something drops on your plate? That’s what dog’s do and they’re happy, right? So instead of going down the depressed route and asking yourself if you’re really suppose to be gay because of so many failed relationships; look on it the realistic way- all girls come standard with a minimum of 6 basic flaws that we men can’t control: Weight Issues, Friend Issues, Mental Issues, Hair Issues, Skin Issues & last but not least- the overuse of the little orifice we like to call the mouth, The Talking Issue.

Using my PIMP experience, I’ve come up with a couple of female categories that I guarantee will cross a male’s life during one point in his life. These categories, however paltry do represent true to life episodes of some writers’… I mean some dudes dynamic story. Read on and see if you can identify a type of girl that has crossed your path.

Remember guys, the secret to getting over any girl is to have a good insurance policy- have a backup chick. I use the best one out there, it's called “Pimp Protection”.

The Wifey
The closest specimen ever en route to the fictitious notion of “Ms. Right”. Normally she is viewed as the first girlfriend from the days of high school.

We normally illustrate this girl as “the one who got away” and never had to tuck in her belly while doing so. The reason this girl slipped through you buttery-ass fingers is due to some uncontrollable occurrence: Migration, attending University abroad or because of sexual tension -as the wife NEVER puts out- you are caught sniffing...I mean searching around in her delicates’ draw. She’s the girl you compare all the other girls in your life to. The one you find yourself chatting to for hours on MSN Messenger, when you should really be concentrating on your 9-5 job. No matter how much effort you try and put into getting her back, you find yourself repeatedly slamming into the “Best Buds” wall she has formed between the both of you.

The All out Hoe
Also defined as being at least two years younger than you. This variety can be found grazing any trendy store. Eye contact is made, mouths salivate, ‘tents’ pitch and she gives you every opportunity in the world to get dem digits. Yes, it’s as easy as that. The next day you get to talking and behold- the first question to come out her mouth is if you’re a virgin, and if so how many positions and places have you had sex. After being a bit dodgy with the question and finding out that she has done ‘it’ almost everywhere including her ex’s car bonnet, she reveals to you the only way a rendezvous can happen is if you pick her up at her aunt’s house- as the ‘pops’ is a Pastor, has some idea about her past ‘conquests’ and wouldn’t approve of any gentleman callers sniffing around the porch-which leads to the verification of the Jamaican Myth: females spawned from ‘men of the cloth’ are the “Worst bad bruck Pinckney on the face of the planet!”

So after getting all the particulars straight with the chick, you rendezvous, do the ‘do’ and get to stepping. After a couple ‘rumbles, you both have your full, it’s neither here or there. No calls, no need to pass by aunties house anymore. Easy come, easy go.

The Juvenile a.k.a Ticky Ticky
This variety is defined by the capacity to always be laughing and/or giggling about almost anything in sight, or anything that come out of your mouth. She has the affinity to be light headed most, if not all of the time, which results in and compliments her bold and wild freakiness. Example: Subject will try and bestow southward pleasures on you, or try and make you play “Hide Frankie the Finger” while her mom is watching The Learning Channel in the next room.

Subject is also characterized to be the MOST manny manny girl ever- due to her age she is always reliant on the attention of a wide variety of men.

The manniness in her comes to a climax while at some party that you both attend, she dances with every guy except you, as you stand by watching like the teenage bait that you are.

The Disheartened Wench
This character only comes along as a result of you and your ‘boys’ sticking to the ‘G Code’ that simply states: “Sharing is caring”. This character is normally recommended from a close friend. The subject is still not over THAT friend, so the timely intervention & soothing company of another male is key. Still not over the pain of lost love, most conversations are filled with, “I just can’t believe he did that.” to which -if you’re smart- you’ll reply, “I know just how you feel.”

After enduring a couple weeks of neediness on her part, if you pull this off right enough, coupled with strategic pathetic sad puppy faces, it’ll definitely get you to where you want to be: a comfy parking space at Devon House, at night, Air Conditioning on the lowest possible temperature and a baton twirling security guard amidst; left baffled as to why your car is the only one with foggy windows.

The ‘Joe Grind’ Experience
This species is defined by her stunning looks. She’s the type that EVERY guy goes after. No one is immune to her beauty. The short of it is that she is all pretty face but no character whatsoever- but her ass is too fine to pass up, even if it leads you down a road of destruction. How do you meet? She’s got a man, they’re having problems, and she calls you every night in tears after they come off the phone. She needs comforting. Comforting leads to, “Hey what you doing for lunch tomorrow?” Lunch leads to long gazes and playing footsy under the table of Pizza Hut, oblivious to her friend sitting right beside you.

All of sudden you both are the quintessential “Batty & Bench” -always seen together. A day doesn’t go by that she doesn’t call you or flirt with you. Your natural human response is a fast and steady development of an oily ‘pudding’ in your back, until one day after weeks of resisting her temptations you give in.

From that day on, you are an official male matey. All her friends see you together but have no idea what’s going on. Constant Joe grinding is the order of the day, she can’t get enough of you, and vice versa. You find every parking lot in both major universities to quench the lust for each other, every free school period an opportunity to drive back home together. You’re enamored by her beauty and the ‘props’ you get from other guys for actually knowing this chick. You eventually cause the break up between her long time boyfriend, and all her friends find out.

You’re status is now raised to “Top Shotta”, as you are the “guy to break up this great relationship”. Eventually Karma is the bitch she always is, and what goes around comes around. She moves on to some other dude, as the relationship is “too much to handle” and “everyone is talking”. You’re a train wreck and sad that you’ve lost the best piece of ass to ever cross your path, but what always brings a smile to your face is the reminiscing of the way you ‘wore that out.’

The Christian Chick
After your many college years of pimping, you decide to take a break. Maybe you need a little Jesus in your life. You’re weary from the long and treacherous road of College Hoes. The thought always crossed your mind, but you never believed you would ever find a good looking Christian chick. So you find her. She’s a 7, but that’s ok, as there’s almost no good looking Christian chicks in Jamaica anyway.

Her attributes are immature behavior and what I like to refer to as ‘Chicken Coop Syndrome’-locked off and totally unaware of society’s norms and values because of her devout love for God. You find her passion for God mysterious and enlightening- she actually has your lazy behind going back to church, and quoting scriptures. You can see a future ahead of you: Kids, picket fences, a dog named Rambo and the smell of bacon; however you are always questioning yourself if the sex will be any good, when you finally do get some -will she consult God first if I tell her my fantasies of wanting Rambo and the Parakeet watching us have sex?

Later on you realize that she’s not really mysterious; she’s actually just fucking boring. You’re not allowed to watch a freaking horror movie, your beloved Sopranos, or your Sunday Night HBO line up- as it’s ungodly and she doesn’t approve of such things. You ask yourself if you can stand another Saturday of watching freaking “Shrek” with her baby sister.

Because of her ‘Chicken Coop Syndrome’, she doesn’t respond well to problems, and the first thing she does when hardship arises is to run and drop the Jesus Bomb on you-“I’m sorry, I talked to my councilor and she said that if I don’t feel comfortable about something I should just let it pass.”

The Conclusion? You tell yourself never to talk to another girl that doesn’t know her left foot, from her right.

The Snake under Grass ‘Ho’
The MOST deceptive bitch ever to ever cross your path. She is characterized by the only girl to slip by your pimp radar and do the pimping herself…on you!

She is defined by her family problems, constant talk about marriage and a better life which is anywhere but home, away from one or both of her annoying parents. She makes you feel like a king for the first couple of months. Bending to your will, and most importantly- into any pretzel shape you desire. You put food in her trough whenever she comes over, as for some reason she isn’t well fed at home.(which is ironic considering the last sentence on this type)

You’re amazed of the girlfriend attributes she has: Rubbing your back while you watch Television and being cool enough to actually own and play a video game console, but still you keep your distance, pimping isn’t easy after all.

However, after a couple of months of a trivial relationship and squabbles, while still your girlfriend, goes abroad and comes back married. Yes married. No matter how deceptive and evil it sounds you strangely find yourself relieved and getting over her with ease; because of the one problem that stood out from the moment you met her, the reason you never carried her ass out in public, the thing that irked you silently, the one thing, no matter what excellent things she pulled off in bed- still pulled at the steel core of your masculine shallowness and inner sanctity-she was a porker.(fat/swine/Ms. Piggy)

The current state of Rockfort Mineral Spa

2005-07-02T01:39:00.000+05:00

Once upon a time there was a beloved place of rest and relaxation named Rockfort Mineral Spa. It was a place where you could go for the aesthetic pleasures of bubbling heated water or bonofide relief of certain ailments with the aid of varying mineral baths that where at your disposal.
(SKIP A COUPLE YEARS AHEAD)
The roach motel now run by Mr. Prakash, a man obviously devote to the ways of making a quick buck, (The way of the coolie) is an absolute atrocity! The beloved Mineral bathe is now ‘lucrative’ in collecting a couple dollars from neighboring patrons to access the make shift pool, gently laced with cement dust floating at the bottom. Other services offered are meals from a less than appetizing kitchen that I have personally been in to inspect, and occasional users of the mineral bathes.

Changing Area and Bathrooms
This area actually consists of an uncovered labyrinth, exposed to the sun and traffic. It obviously best serves as an area for persons on the compound to come and have sexual encounters, as there are simply raggedly old concrete booths, with wooden doors, ready to drop off their hinges. Most stalls bare graffiti signs detailing the number of sexual exploits of conquered females/ males in the booth and the said positions they where delivered.

The Spa Area
Mr. Prick..I mean Prakash, has the entrance floor to this area flooded with water…for whatever reason, I guess it has to do with fueling prospective clients the desire to get wet?? Maybe?? Anyway, the Spa areas, although in working condition is unsavory. What can I say? The tiles in the spa in which you sit, the floor, the walls, even the wastebasket in the corner is a site to be seen…or not. I guess persons wishing to get some type of therapeutic benefit from here will have to be completely focused on the supposed benefits, and stay clear of any presumptions that the treatment, aesthetically, will be pleasing.

Mr. Prakash, after taking up the position of management blames his ‘loss’ of business due to the fact that the nearby super giant company, Caribbean Cement Co. located beside it is to blame, as the dust from the plant has floated over and, “mashed up the business”.
I have a clear alternative for Mr. Prakash..a few sticks of dynamite will solve your problems. Look into it sir and reap the rewards.

Jimscreechy

Interlude to Anarchy: A Public Service Announcement

2005-07-02T01:23:00.000+05:00

Bad Karma for C&W?

I have no sympathy for this company whatsoever where their financial status is concerned. Does anyone care to jump back in time with me, a few years ago when a company now known as Digicel, penetrated the then, monopolized Mobile/ Telecommunications industry? Does anyone care to remember the absolutely ghastly service most received from C&WJ in the mobile category? Service was an “on occasion” basis. Those brave enough to wield C&WJ mobiles were slewed with inappropriate service and uninspired packages and/ or services, unregulated “free” international and local calls, queued text messages and not to mention having the chore of lugging around the 4lb phones. Not until the long awaited presence of Digicel arrived did we have a choice, and what a wonderful feeling choice is in a world of none. I purposely waited a couple of months for Digicel to set up operations, to purchase my first mobile and I’m glad I waited.

My reason for having no empathy for C&WJ is because, it was not until the influx of some nature of competition, coupled with a noticeable boom in sales of choice mobile phones from Digicel, did C&WJ decide to ‘pull up their socks’ and diversify their mobile product. Thus the reason for the massive marketing strategy featuring the puzzling “switch” logos and then the final launch and activation of their newly acquired GSM/TDMA network, which the implementation of is now one of the reasons they have failed to pull a profit and cannot pay out dividends. Bad Service. Bad Forecasting. Bad Karma.

I shudder to think where we all currently would be if some sort of competition had not arrived on JA soil- we would be probably all still be punching away at the ”Retry” button several times to connect and still brandishing the less than desired “peanut phone”. My fellow Jamaicans do we not see the power that we wield? A valuable lesson can be learned I implore all, do no put up with shabby service of any kind, encourage competition and demand fair service as it can do wonders, encouraging these large companies to try hard to improve their product, ultimately pleasing us, the customer.

Sham shame on you C&W for poor planning, and for putting your investors in such a position.

Jimscreechy

Ask what the new Police Comish can do for you-January 15,2005

2005-07-01T23:42:00.000+05:00

The New Police Commish-what’s in store?

Squaddie or Squaddy (skwod ’ē), n. pl.-dies.
Jamaican Informal. a Policeman by technical standards, however by the standards of civilized Jamaicans- an irate/ disgruntled/ inept member of the police force who for his/her mental ability should actually be better suited tending to someone’s lawn as an alternative to being assigned a patrol vehicle and a government issued firearm.

The expected babble of what is to be expected of the new Police Commish replacing the much inept and disappointing ousted ex Police Commissioner Francis Forbes has started and the boring published high hopes of the media (soon to be crushed in the near future because of the impending, predictable cataclysmic flop of any JA political venture) about what can be done for the new button pusher, Lucius Thomas to improve what we all currently refer to as the er…Police Force of Jamaica (?)

Bill Johnson of Johnson’s Survey has been appointed the expected and tedious task of instilling hope in a country that should have given up a long time ago about the hopes for the Police Force. He does this by recommending ways as how Lucy old Boy can ‘connect’ with the massives, thus gaining our trust and maybe even the trust of the relatives of those purposely snuffed out by Reneto ‘Mad Max’ Adams??…(See archived article, entitled, “Operation Kingfish- Jamaica’s Latest Crime fighting Squad-October 20,2004”)

Well, for the pill popping, purple skunked eyed, politically un-inclined, Jimscreechy of www.jimscreechy.blogspot.com has come up with a number of ways the new Commish can improve the Police Force, thus regaining respect in the eyes of the public in his first few couple a months:

1. First and foremost, send back ¾ of the entire Police Force to re-sit their CXC English language exam and even if they do pass…send them back just to be sure!! We the people, are tired of being pulled over in our cars, only to be badgered by near leotard wearing, fresh outta da camp squaddies that cant even speak English!

2. Please! Please! Get rid of the middle aged Cop, always at the scene of a crime, on the 8 o’clock news, wearing a tight polyester khaki uniform and top hat, swinging around his S&M baton. He NEVER has any other comment for the reporters, other than, “We accosted the individual at approximately (so and so time), and then we proceeded to detain him and will be questioning him further on the matter. During this pathetic display of Public Relations- beads of sweat are rolling down his face and his eyes are darting all over the place, eagerly searching for something to inspire his next statement.

3. How about actually assigning those fresh, green, group of squaddies, posted all around Kingston somewhere shady to stand so that they wont be so irate and cocky when they do stop us. Maybe the root of their derangement lies in being pelted by the sun hours for hours at a time. Brain fried squaddies might tend to only wreak more havoc on the un assuming public.

4. Make it mandatory for, “How bad is my driving? Call this number..“ decals to be placed on the back of all police vehicles. How much times have we the people had to pull over on the curb to let through a police vehicle-sirens a blazing only to notice on their passing by that the vehicle is filled with two catties smiling in approval at the squaddies successful attempt to show their power over traffic. Double dating on taxpayers $ are they?

5. Last, but one of the most noteworthy suggestions should be on the delivery of new police initiatives. Whether they be crime deterrent initiatives, public relation initiatives or maybe even the promise of a spanking new fleet of automobiles; always Lucy old boy, start your public speeches/ press conferences with emphasis on “maybe it can work” or “we hope to do the following things” :

Good luck old boy and we look forward to your first job productivity assessment later down in the year. Lets hope you don’t bomb.

Jim Screechy

Da Roach Motel

2005-06-15T20:15:00.000+05:00

The Robinsons'-Kingston Public Hospitals' First Family

And here I thought the only roach motel we had in the area was actually Chelsea Hotel…oh no I’m sorry I’m mistaking the Haitian/Cuban refugees hiding out there by the outside pool halls for roaches…my bad! They just seem to be always there!
The authentic roach motel currently being talked is actually the infamous Kingston Public Hospital. The enormous influxes of roaches there are deemed to have supernatural resiliency. Maybe, even the roaches fear the escalating crime rate and have taken to relocating?

Local teenage roaches have taken up residency outside and within the compound of the hospital. No area of the hospital has been left off the list as feasible shelter; reportedly, even the bottom of patients’ cups and bed pans are a homely place for the multi legged Kingstonians, and with all the modern methods of pest fumigation, non have worked, so no possible eviction to their residency is anticipated.

Noting the obvious mystical forces that drive the roach plague, Operations Manager of the hospital, David Dobson, flatly states that he can’t promise the total removal of the roaches anytime soon but hopes the current methods will take it to a reasonable level- if there is ever such a thing as a ‘reasonable’ roach level at a hospital.

Various numbers of traditionalist, elderly staff member speculate that the roach armada is actually the spirits of the deceased patients who died at the facility due to inept medical procedures, coming back in full devastating force and numbers to pay revenge on the deplorable facility in order to see it shut down.

Shifting blame of course is a trusted and true Jamaican management tactic, and in such a fashion to defend the management structure, while shooting himself in the foot, Mr. Dobson says the problem can also arise from the multiple vendors of food and the sewage in close proximity.

Shifting back the blame in the face of the management, with trusted health knowledge, Chief Public Health Inspector, Everton Baker said that is impossible and ridiculous that the vendors could ever be blamed as the source of the problem as roaches need food and water to survive; non of which both is plausible of being sold around the raw sewage also in close proximity….or could it?

Jim Screechy

Rat Vs The Zebra for JLP Leadership-October 24,2004

2005-05-11T21:36:00.000+05:00

Zebra VS. Back & Belly Rat (Old Folk Saying used to describe a "Backstabber")

As a race for the next president of The U.S.A goes on, Jamaica is also having its own.
This race is for the new leader of the JLP. The two contenders being Bruce Golding and Pearnel Charles.

I would think that they would take the election seriously and seize every opportune moment to voice their main objectives and strategies. In recent Gleaner interviews they do nothing but regurgitate the equivalent insipid facts we hear repeatedly.

Bruce Golding
Hailing from Ginger Ridge St. Catherine, Mr. Golding’s ‘main arguments’ appear to be centred around narratives that some of us have come to be familiar with by hearing them from our parents.
“We had tanks at the back and fetched water to bring it into the house. Bedrooms had a washstand, a big enameled basin and what we called, ahmm a goblet, and an outside toilet. That’s how we grew up!”

“When I was 7, my mom got a job at Alpha and that’s why we moved to Kingston. My father bought a house there and that’s where we lived.”

Off the record, Mr. Golding, lost in the moment stated that in the morning, while his mom dropped him to school, she would occasionally take a hanky, swabbed with some of her saliva and proceed to wipe his ashy forehead and white squall if he had forgotten to lotion properly.

Bruce making at least one valuable point in why he would be a good candidate was that it was in his blood and it was his late father, former Speaker of the house, Tacious Nathaniel Golding who enthused him, by taking him to political meetings at night.

Pearnel Charles
A fellow Social Activist like my self, the zebra striped Pearnel Charles takes the family approach. Ever boasting about his seven children all who have reputable achievements- three Medical Doctors, a dentist, one lawyer and a PhD candidate…. the last child probably illegitimate as he/she was not mentioned.
“If a person can manage and properly run a family, you can do it for a nation. My children are products of careful development, from day one, even the toys that they played with where carefully chosen”

Seeing that no hardcore evidence has been given to us voters to help make a decision lets see how the contender’s stack up to an important over looked facto, popularity and moral standing.

Conclusion
Pearnel Charles wins for the said reasons:

Pearnel undeniably has the young vote, gained for being fashionably conscious for so long, as it has to do with hair styling. He also gets props for managing to develop seven outstanding kids. One Dr. in the family is good, but three, and a lawyer?

Golding is a very controversial figure. Hailed as a traitor when he left the JLP to form his own party in direct opposition to his past associates. Also deemed as a “Ginnal” and probably has an agenda to alter the structure of the JLP. Shady character.

JA Health Ministry jumps on the initiative bandwagon-October 23, 2004

2005-05-11T21:18:00.000+05:00

The choice is yours...or is it?
In adding to the argument that Jamaican politicians are more of a response-based bunch instead of being revolutionary, The Ministry of Health is in discussion to release their own form of ‘Crime/Health Initiative’, focusing on criminalizing the act of infecting someone with the HIV Virus.

Speculations are it will be dubbed as “Operation Genital Restraint”. The new focus comes from pressures mounted by West Indies Junior Chamber CARICOM two-day summit held on Tuesday, pressuring Government to take legal action against persons who knowingly infect others with the deadly HIV/AIDS Virus. At current, obvious enough in Caribbean countries, there is no known law, which makes the infection of others an illegal act.

As though it was a sign of God to come, also on the heels of the AIDS/HIV debate on Tuesday, held at the Jamaican Conference Centre, was Karen Turner, USAID’s Mission Director for Jamaica and the Caribbean.

Ms. Turner stated that like crime HIV should be seen as a significant threat to the economic and social well being of Jamaica. Probably still suffering from the effects of jet lag, she also made the bizarre note that if the oversexed, lust pot Country of Brazil can do it, why not Jamaica?

“Brazil has cut its infection rates by 50%, especially among men who have sex with men.” (!?!?!?)

Evidently Ms. Turners theory of prospect in Jamaica was slightly skewed, and is not aware that here we are still, only quite partial to the idea of men having sex with women. And then there is, of course a niche of some, who are ‘not-so-disapproving’ of women… who have sex with women….like me.

Speculations are that Minister of Health, John Junior want this new initiative, to set out to take an unprecedented approach to the H.I.V/A.I.D.S crisis and will also be in direct competition with the agenda of decreasing the amount of casualties in the island yearly.

Speculated responses are that, Dr. Peter Philips stated that though the day after the Kingfish initiative was announced, 4 persons where killed in gang related crimes, the chance of the Ministry of Health’s Operations in prosecuting individuals will have to wait their turn as it requires police presence to do so, and that is a public service only to be available after Kingfish becomes another official flop.

Jim Screechy

Donald ‘Zekes’ Phipps charged!-October 19, 2004

2005-05-11T21:11:00.000+05:00

A brief rest before the last cavity search

Apparently my notion that Zekes would be a strong candidate for the next mayor of Kingston was wrong! I contemplated this since he seemed to have more control and say over what happens in certain areas of the downtown community, more so than the relevant bumbling authorities. Finally some dirt has been found on this area don who has been the axis of shady attention in Mathews Lane, Kingston for over four years.

Mr. Zekes rose to popularity in 1998 when he was shackled and jailed for 48 hours by the police, and in retaliation the entire downtown area was ‘locked’ by irate residents- road blocks, burning debris, women jumping up and down in the streets with only their bras and neon colored tights on, and other well known 7 o’clock news eye candy. Our very own law enforcement also clashed with gunmen during this time, astonished by the power and charisma that this one man wielded.

Zekes was also called upon to squelch the violence between rival gunmen of Mathews Lane and Tivoli Gardens in recent weeks, forcing merchants in downtown to close their businesses. Thus showing his aptitude for vagrant control and order…something our tax hungry, Mitsubishi Pajero driving, fat cats lack the ability to do.

Zekes was officially charged on October 16, 2004 with the illegal possession of ammunition and possession of and dealing in Ganja. He was also found with US$43,000 and JA$6.4 Million! That sneaky bastard! On being detained, he is said to have remained calm and ‘instructed’ the community not to obstruct the course of the law. Boy, what a leader. I can only hope for his sake, that this pint-sized man has the same power and say in what goes on with the undertakings of his rare end when he is sent to prison. What goes around comes around huh? Memories of HBO’s “Oz” anyone?

Jim Screechy

Operation Kingfish- Jamaica’s Latest Crime fighting Squad-October 20,2004

2005-05-11T20:30:00.000+05:00

Minister of National Security, Dr. Peter Phillips addressing key private sector leaders and reporters at the Hilton Kingston Hotel last night, said that this year’s latest installment (in a string of over a dozen failed attempts within the last 12 years) of a crime fighting initiative is in progress, and has been dubbed, “Operation Kingfish”!

Dr. Phillips theorizes that the spanking new name is suffice to instill confidence in the citizens of Jamaica that with the alarming death toll caused by criminal gangs, some, if not all of us will actually have a chance of living through the last quarter to see the blessed new year. Noting that the death toll is now officially at 1,161, the most ever recorded in the nations history, Dr. Phillips was certain in his mind that the sudden initiative will derail the performance based embarrassment the party has been facing for the duration of the party’s leadership.

Squad & Year Implemented
Echo Squad: 1976

Ranger Squad: 1980

Eradication Squad: 1981

Area Four Task Force: 1986

Operation Ardent: 1992

SACTF (ACID): 1993

Operation Crest: 1995

Operation Justice: 1995

Operation Dovetail: 1997

Organized Crime Unit: 1998

Operation Intrepid: 1999

Crime Management Unit: 2000

Organized Crime Investigation Division: 2003

Operation Kingfish: 2004

Dr. Clueless stated that brainstormed names as, “Operation Incompetent”, “I-.B.A.D- Innocent Bystander Assassination Division”, “The Unorganized Bungling Idiot Squad”, “Operation Hopeless”, and “A.C.I.D II - Allied Cumbersome Inept Department”, where all revoked as they shed too much light on public thoughts of previous crime fighting initiatives or surfaced matters that needed to be kept on the down low.

Learning from past experiences, not to head up task forces, with flamboyant, deranged killing psychopaths (i.e. Senior Superintendent Reneto Adams), a virtually unknown will be taking over this years mandate of breaking the back of organized crime. Assistant Commissioner Glenmore Hinds will be the Governments manageable puppet- a 27-year veteran of the Jamaica Constabulary Force.
Passionately trying to avoid ‘Reneto-like’ public relations disasters, the government before approving his position, ordered every test short of DNA scrutiny, which included a detailed background check, physical, urine and stool samples, unfathomable cavity checks and rigid psychoanalysis.

For those who don’t remember, Senior Superintendent Reneto Adams was the former leader of the now redundant Crime Management Unit (CMU), which was disbanded by Police Commissioner Francis Forbes last June after failure to meet objectives of stopping dons and deportees involved in Crime. Instead of stopping the said people, Reneto is claimed to have targeted them in the scope of his rifle instead; thus positioning himself in a number of controversial killings and being subject to high profile investigations.

Jim Screechy