The Rat Race

Portia, Phillips and Old Boy Omar. While some of us are concerned with the new leader of the PNP, Jim Screechy seems only concerned with who will look better in the most critiqued position in JA.

It’s all trivial pursuits and cosmetic appearances I’m concerned about. I did a poll and asked person the following questions; let’s see who scores the most in these paltry categories:

Questions	Simpson-Miller	Davies	That other Dude…oh..Phillips
Most expected to die of a coronary/stress related Disease.	3%	56%	41%
Most use of “ahmm”, during speeches/debates.	20%	50%	30%
Most use of the absent mind stare.	10%	20%	70%
Who seems to get first ‘dibbs’ on the latest model Mitsubishi Pajero.	15%	54%	31%
Most likely to use bi-focals in spare time to wreak havoc on unsuspecting citizens..ahm I mean insects.	ZIP!	33%	67%
Who didn’t pay attention in Public speaking class.	5%	80%	15%

Portia Simpson-Miller- Eloquent, tasteful and highly popular to female masses wearing only brightly coloured bras and tights; as well as loose wrist males. She boasts a popular rating unsurpassed by her colleagues, as she is the only politician smart enough to know about the points and popularity one can score simply by showing up at public audiences and looking like you give a damn. Portia could easily win the battle- if the decision was left up to the general public and/or if we lived in a country that would ever see a skirt in such a momentous position.

Davies- Absolutely notorious. His notoriety surpasses Portia only in the fact that he’s the reason most Jamaican motorists carry a ‘half a lass’ (small cutlass) in their car. The mere thought of having a chance to slash this mans tires or legislative writing fingers come at a risk Jamaicans are willing to take.

Davies is undoubtedly the cause of every Jamaicans’ “Blood-cloth!”, “Jeezaz Christ”, “Kiss mi Neck!”, “To Raghtid!” and other profanities after realizing how much G.C.T has amounted to, after each and every single purchase island wide.

Feared by the general public, especially near to the national budget debate, when citizens, already riddled with every tax under the sun, believe that even Jamaican popular culture scenarios are vulnerable to the tax fangs of Davies’.

I speculate the following are probable taxes-based off the enormous revenue they can generate for the Government:

• Midnight Parking Tax on Knutsford Blvd, Kingston.
• KFC, Manor Park, Friday Night, waiting line tax.
• Downtown Sidewalk Higgler Tax.(Baggies & Bingo’s seem to have a huge profit margin down there)
• Capital Crime Tax (to be imposed on sentenced prisoners for each life they snuff out)
• White Collar, Kingston 8 Crime Tax
• Portmore Residents’ Housing Expansion Tax ( applicable to 1 bedroom houses that miraculously turn into 5 bedroom, 2 story houses overnight.)
• Uptown Kid’s Travelers’ Tax (presently under the disguise as “speeding tickets”) on route to Heroes, Emancipation, Labour Day and Easter Weekend parties.
• Jamaican “Rotisserie Chicken Craze” Tax. (Talk about a freaking benefit to the bachelors and wutless housewives man!

PHILLIPS- the person partly responsible for every defunct crime fighting initiative.
Silent, swift and damn near forgotten in terms of publicity. Countless times during this article I had to Google this dude! He’s been around so long, but I’ll be darned if I can remember his first name for more than an hour. Very notorious for hiring a deranged psychopath as Police Superintendent to do his bidding on the streets of Jamaica. ( See article entitled, “Operation Kingfish-JA’s new crime fighting initiative)