"Ahhh...so can we make buggery legal now?"

Attorney -General A.J Nicholson is foaming at the mouth and perhaps other orifices over Governments hesitancy to decriminalize buggery. During parliamentary deliberations Senator spewed forth statements depicting his burning passion to no longer live in fear of being prosecuted for a life, some say is secret. "There is no intention, whatever, that any section or provision of the Buggery Act is to be amended. Period! " based on reports within the parliament many were shocked with such a statement. Nicholson was said to be near the point of tears as he passionately argued his views on why the act should be seen as an alternative to females.

"The days of Sodom and Gomorrah are long gone, but many nowadays still have these and only these urges as the only way to copulate! And whilst we're on the subject of decriminalizing buggery, we should make same sex marriages legal to! Let a man and my man...I mean another man be together if they want...or a woman and a woman, whatever the case may be!"

Live Chickens Fly, But Dead Chickens Will Fly Higher!

Jamaica's largest producer of poultry has clucked that chicken prices will fly high over the next week or so.

Christopher Levy, rich snob of poultry operations of Jamaica Broilers Group, clucked that prices and chickens will fly sky high to increase to as much as 5% in two weeks mash.

The increasing price of corn is stated to be the cause of the oncoming price hike, but specialists in the industry have devised a plan to solve the problem. Shytie Undies, head of operations on the company's production pen, and hopeful individual for the president post, has initiated a revolutionary experiment to recycle corn. "Anyone human who has ever ate corn knows that at least 25% of that said corn consumed comes back out undigested in poop. Consumers shouldn't have to pay more for good quality chicken just because the price of corn has gone up. Chicken meat is the most popular protein source for Jamaicans, so let's recycle the pooped corn and kick back that savings onto the consumers!"

There has been speculation about these methods of feeding undigested corn to chickens, but Shytie Undies claims that anyone who has ever been to a mass production pen for chickens should note that the ground is littered in feces anyway. " If you really look good, 75% of the ground full of chicken shit, and when time the chickens get fed, sometimes the feedin' drop on the ground. You think the chickens are smart enough to wait and pick carefully at what's on the ground when them trying to eat? "

"No More Rum Bars for Police!" says Portia

Sista P has warned the police to immediately cease and desist the daily stops at the local rum bar. The afternoon stops, a staple for many young, wayward and inept policemen, facilitate the leaking of secret operational plans that are to take place in the future.

"It's because of these ungodly acts of alcohol consumption on the job why there is so much crime in the western end of the island! The police are blabbing secrets to their rum buddy's or to ease droppers set up by the criminal ring to listen out for tips in rum bars, knowing full well that one or two squaddies will pass through and have a drink!"

Highlighting the recent investigation into corrupt cops, it's been duly noted that corruption or thoughts thereof first start at the local rum bar where rookie cops, stopping for refreshment, get lured into the underworld of crime and money. Rum Bars are where most drug lords or 'top shottaz' stop to show off their money and bling to the local bar rats/hoochies.

Reports show that whilst in the bar, police of different moral caliber are often put to shame and jeered as they're only capable of affording a soda or sky juice to quench their thirst while those above the law, who don't do half of the social work they do or receive the daily sun pelting and bus fumes, are able to afford say a ice cold Tropical Rhythms or fancy Northern American refreshment.

Rum Bars as Sista P states are a, "...Pot of Evil. Facilitating corruption of our policemen who are more than satisfied with their paltry government wages and facilities."

Corporate Debauchery- escaping the monotony of your 9-5 job

For those unfortunate to be in a job you don’t like, here are a couple of interesting exercises to relieve the repetitiveness of your daily grind. It should be noted, that assessing the ineptness of your immediate supervisor or HR manager before carrying out such activities is very important.

Maximizing your lunch time

A much often overlooked and under assessed loophole in corporate Jamaica. Take your packed lunch to work and under the pretense of going to the bathroom; chow down on your food. The result will remove your hunger AND still allows you a one hour break to either visit your significant other for a quick shag or get interviewed for that job opening without letting your boss know your business.

Office Olympics

Leaving an active lifestyle at college or high school to enter the mundane tasks of a job can have disastrous effects on an individual’s mental health. For those who are used to having an active lifestyle, engaging in some blood pumping Office Olympics is the right way to regain that lost adrenaline rush. There are a number of things you can do, but this activity requires some amount of space so choose wisely. It’s always suggested that the activities have a reward, such as the victor buys lunch, etc.

Office Hurdles

Place about three to five desks in front of each other and see who can jump over each faster. This is a true test of endurance and will get your blood pumping and even make you sweat, so reserve this one for when your boss is guaranteed not to be back for an hour at least.

Office Equipment Hammer

Sick of that old wired mouse or keyboard on your desk? Too embarrassed to carry your significant other in your office, fearing ridicule. Stationary Hammer get’s rid of any prehistoric equipment and forces your boss to get on board with wireless technology. Stationary Hammer works with immediate effect, is gratifying and requires the least exertion of energy for entertainment. Whether it be stationary, or electronics, simply grab any tethered piece of office equipment, whirl it around your head and aim for the coffee mug by the annual report. Your boss will realize the disastrous effects wired technology poses to the continuance and timeliness of the organization and upgrade to wireless technology.

Partition Pole-vaulting

A must have for this exercise is a mop from the janitor’s closet and …well a partition. I recommend that you not use partitions higher than 5ft for obvious reasons. Simply get ready your mop, make sure that partition isn’t wobbly, that there’s a decent landing space behind it (void of thumbtacks) and hurl yourself over it!

Politically Correct Sexual Harassment

Unfortunately in Jamaica, we’re a nation believing in cheap labor, so most females at an office aren’t rather appealing to the eye. For obvious reasons, this doesn’t seem to apply to females working at Air Jamaica or Scotia Bank though.

For those in drab 9-5 paper shuffling jobs, you have to resort to females that unfortunately smell like Brut aerosol, constantly scratch their heads to alleviate the symptoms of wearing cheap horse hair (weaves) and leak folds of skin from the openings of their uniforms.

Use this approach if you so happen to be blessed with a lil browning at the office:

For the first few days, give her a head nod in the morning followed by a quick, “What’s’ up?” After that’s been done, ask her for her MSN name and start including her in the forwarding of nasty emails you ever received, but be sure that you also email everyone in your list. Depending on her response, you can then assume she’s a prude or she can be hit be hit on. Either way you’re technically not in trouble and you have actually found out if she’s a freak or not without having a five minute corridor meeting about her exes.

God’s gift to employees- MSN Messenger

And on the third day, god created the horse, which through the centuries, evolved into use as a beast of burden- carting mail in the 17^th century and then was taken over by the internet. If there was anything more necessary to getting through a paper shuffling day, it would be this program. Be careful though, the more boring your job is the more likely you’ll get caught using it.

My Seed Is My Own!

"

You know you're getting old when a bunch of college friends are falling into the social trap of marriage or producing babies.

Not that I haven't been propositioned a few times for the ‘bliss’ of the old ball and chain routine, but the circumstances were all a bit peculiar. The females were more interested in commissioning me for my essence in order to produce the perfect offspring. In their eyes, it seems, my mojo, but the lack of my actual person, would contribute to producing the perfect child, as I am of good build, lacking in excess fat, smart, amusing, and I have “nice eyes”. There was one particular female, who a bit on the plump side, raved constantly about not wanting a fat baby- that being the main reason my seed was in high demand.

As females get older, it’s quite obvious that they have a yearning to get knocked up. Unfortunately for them there is not enough males in their age group that are willing to facilitate such actions, as for men, the older they get the less likely they want to knock a female up. As each year passes and another conquering notch is added to a man’s belt, he realizes that this mating routine can be followed for the rest of his days. Why limit yourself to a measly vagin-a-day, when there is a fruitful abundance of naïve, impressionable young lasses, fresh into University that need some father like guidance in the areas of love. If all middle aged men were to be wed at 30-35, who would be there to guide the 19 year old females in the becoming of age positioning orders of, “ No honey, turn around...that’s right, arch your back and raise it up for daddy now...” ?

For some reason the media normally portrays males commissioned just for their sperm, as packers of fudge (fudge-packers). I’ve never had the slightest inclination to take part in such activities. It’s probably a period of dementia that’s experienced by females as the biological clock ticks. Sperm hungry, and wanting to nurture they're out and about sizing up any male they're close to for a ‘smalls’. This eagerness to ‘spit one out’ probably can be linked to all the cases of teacher on student sex that’s been taking place. Unfortunately I never got to experience that....bleh!