The Portmore Dilemna- is a chick worth the traffic?

Required Equipment for trip to Portmore

So I’m on the causeway bridge- post road paving-, gas fumes, police squaddies on the corner, loud Portmore taxi music, a construction dump truck every 10 feet, bumper to bumper traffic and one dude who wants to take a serious dump.

I ask myself how the hell did I reach in this position. Me stuck in traffic, going to meet some girl in PORTMORE, and not even a BJ in the distance for my troubles venturing “Ovah di Waters”.

It takes me 7 minutes max to reach any of yardies in Kingston 8. It takes me 20 fricking minutes to reach this chick. What is it with a Portmore chick? They’re defined by- most of them as having bubbly personalities and upbeat, but to tell you the truth, the good looking part is far and few between.

All natives of this island, definitely talk too much Creole patois for my fine taste. It did indeed take a while to get used to, and it sure helps the situation if you mock them as they speak. I’ve found waving shrimp and pasta or fried fish and festival in front of them, tames there aggressiveness for a period of 30 minutes allowing them to socialize with persons of the Kingston 8 district. You must be modest in your attempts to nourish them with uppity food as they grow to have a liking for the finer things and will soon start to burden your pocket with delicacies other than the well known Portmore food staple- KFC. Also, they are food monsters- I know of another Portmore chick that asks for pieces of foil paper at every function she goes to.

So in asking if a Portmore Girl is worth the travel, you have to ask yourself a couple questions:

1. Can you put up with the bad English?
2. Are you willing to increase your gas purchase per week from $500 to $1500.
3. How do you feel about being cooped up in a 6foot by foot cell..I mean room with Portmore sized mosquitoes and Portmore heat.
4. How do you feel about your only culinary options changing from the vast amount of delicacies in KGN, to a limited, grease laden KFC, KFC and did I say KFC, every quarter mile?
5. Are you willing to invest in a mandatory Electronic Mosquito Swatter?
6. Are you willing to come up with new and innovative ways to explain why you won’t be able to drop her ass home? (I’ve found that the “working late” line only works for max one month, after which, they tend to memorize your working habits.)

The Rat Race

Portia, Phillips and Old Boy Omar. While some of us are concerned with the new leader of the PNP, Jim Screechy seems only concerned with who will look better in the most critiqued position in JA.

It’s all trivial pursuits and cosmetic appearances I’m concerned about. I did a poll and asked person the following questions; let’s see who scores the most in these paltry categories:

Questions	Simpson-Miller	Davies	That other Dude…oh..Phillips
Most expected to die of a coronary/stress related Disease.	3%	56%	41%
Most use of “ahmm”, during speeches/debates.	20%	50%	30%
Most use of the absent mind stare.	10%	20%	70%
Who seems to get first ‘dibbs’ on the latest model Mitsubishi Pajero.	15%	54%	31%
Most likely to use bi-focals in spare time to wreak havoc on unsuspecting citizens..ahm I mean insects.	ZIP!	33%	67%
Who didn’t pay attention in Public speaking class.	5%	80%	15%

Portia Simpson-Miller- Eloquent, tasteful and highly popular to female masses wearing only brightly coloured bras and tights; as well as loose wrist males. She boasts a popular rating unsurpassed by her colleagues, as she is the only politician smart enough to know about the points and popularity one can score simply by showing up at public audiences and looking like you give a damn. Portia could easily win the battle- if the decision was left up to the general public and/or if we lived in a country that would ever see a skirt in such a momentous position.

Davies- Absolutely notorious. His notoriety surpasses Portia only in the fact that he’s the reason most Jamaican motorists carry a ‘half a lass’ (small cutlass) in their car. The mere thought of having a chance to slash this mans tires or legislative writing fingers come at a risk Jamaicans are willing to take.

Davies is undoubtedly the cause of every Jamaicans’ “Blood-cloth!”, “Jeezaz Christ”, “Kiss mi Neck!”, “To Raghtid!” and other profanities after realizing how much G.C.T has amounted to, after each and every single purchase island wide.

Feared by the general public, especially near to the national budget debate, when citizens, already riddled with every tax under the sun, believe that even Jamaican popular culture scenarios are vulnerable to the tax fangs of Davies’.

I speculate the following are probable taxes-based off the enormous revenue they can generate for the Government:

• Midnight Parking Tax on Knutsford Blvd, Kingston.
• KFC, Manor Park, Friday Night, waiting line tax.
• Downtown Sidewalk Higgler Tax.(Baggies & Bingo’s seem to have a huge profit margin down there)
• Capital Crime Tax (to be imposed on sentenced prisoners for each life they snuff out)
• White Collar, Kingston 8 Crime Tax
• Portmore Residents’ Housing Expansion Tax ( applicable to 1 bedroom houses that miraculously turn into 5 bedroom, 2 story houses overnight.)
• Uptown Kid’s Travelers’ Tax (presently under the disguise as “speeding tickets”) on route to Heroes, Emancipation, Labour Day and Easter Weekend parties.
• Jamaican “Rotisserie Chicken Craze” Tax. (Talk about a freaking benefit to the bachelors and wutless housewives man!

PHILLIPS- the person partly responsible for every defunct crime fighting initiative.
Silent, swift and damn near forgotten in terms of publicity. Countless times during this article I had to Google this dude! He’s been around so long, but I’ll be darned if I can remember his first name for more than an hour. Very notorious for hiring a deranged psychopath as Police Superintendent to do his bidding on the streets of Jamaica. ( See article entitled, “Operation Kingfish-JA’s new crime fighting initiative)

I'm back in two shakes of a lambs tail!

Hello loyal subjects. Due to the suppressiveness of my 9-5, I haven't been posting as regular as I would like to.

Some developments have occured, and I promise to you, my sheep ,that I will now be delivering a modest amount of my 'dope' to you.

In conjunction I will try my best to actually respond to the comments that you leave behind, instead of just reading them and quitely calling you a doosh bag.

Who the Hell is Ms. Right? I’m looking for Ms. Right Now!

When I started writing this piece, my sole purpose wasn’t just to try and make an extra buck, this serves as a Public service Announcement to all my brothers.

I want to enlighten the masses about the painful but undeniable truth- there is no “Ms. Right.” It’s a phony prophecy conjured and hammered into our heads from watching those blasted animated Disney movies at an early age, promising everlasting, unwavering love and happiness.

There is no right chick, we men are fickle, and only deal with what feels right at the time. After each painful removal of our heart by that girl we had a crush on, guys quickly figure out what to do next time-why search, when you can wait until something drops on your plate? That’s what dog’s do and they’re happy, right? So instead of going down the depressed route and asking yourself if you’re really suppose to be gay because of so many failed relationships; look on it the realistic way- all girls come standard with a minimum of 6 basic flaws that we men can’t control: Weight Issues, Friend Issues, Mental Issues, Hair Issues, Skin Issues & last but not least- the overuse of the little orifice we like to call the mouth, The Talking Issue.

Using my PIMP experience, I’ve come up with a couple of female categories that I guarantee will cross a male’s life during one point in his life. These categories, however paltry do represent true to life episodes of some writers’… I mean some dudes dynamic story. Read on and see if you can identify a type of girl that has crossed your path.

Remember guys, the secret to getting over any girl is to have a good insurance policy- have a backup chick. I use the best one out there, it's called “Pimp Protection”.

The Wifey
The closest specimen ever en route to the fictitious notion of “Ms. Right”. Normally she is viewed as the first girlfriend from the days of high school.

We normally illustrate this girl as “the one who got away” and never had to tuck in her belly while doing so. The reason this girl slipped through you buttery-ass fingers is due to some uncontrollable occurrence: Migration, attending University abroad or because of sexual tension -as the wife NEVER puts out- you are caught sniffing...I mean searching around in her delicates’ draw. She’s the girl you compare all the other girls in your life to. The one you find yourself chatting to for hours on MSN Messenger, when you should really be concentrating on your 9-5 job. No matter how much effort you try and put into getting her back, you find yourself repeatedly slamming into the “Best Buds” wall she has formed between the both of you.

The All out Hoe
Also defined as being at least two years younger than you. This variety can be found grazing any trendy store. Eye contact is made, mouths salivate, ‘tents’ pitch and she gives you every opportunity in the world to get dem digits. Yes, it’s as easy as that. The next day you get to talking and behold- the first question to come out her mouth is if you’re a virgin, and if so how many positions and places have you had sex. After being a bit dodgy with the question and finding out that she has done ‘it’ almost everywhere including her ex’s car bonnet, she reveals to you the only way a rendezvous can happen is if you pick her up at her aunt’s house- as the ‘pops’ is a Pastor, has some idea about her past ‘conquests’ and wouldn’t approve of any gentleman callers sniffing around the porch-which leads to the verification of the Jamaican Myth: females spawned from ‘men of the cloth’ are the “Worst bad bruck Pinckney on the face of the planet!”

So after getting all the particulars straight with the chick, you rendezvous, do the ‘do’ and get to stepping. After a couple ‘rumbles, you both have your full, it’s neither here or there. No calls, no need to pass by aunties house anymore. Easy come, easy go.

The Juvenile a.k.a Ticky Ticky
This variety is defined by the capacity to always be laughing and/or giggling about almost anything in sight, or anything that come out of your mouth. She has the affinity to be light headed most, if not all of the time, which results in and compliments her bold and wild freakiness. Example: Subject will try and bestow southward pleasures on you, or try and make you play “Hide Frankie the Finger” while her mom is watching The Learning Channel in the next room.

Subject is also characterized to be the MOST manny manny girl ever- due to her age she is always reliant on the attention of a wide variety of men.

The manniness in her comes to a climax while at some party that you both attend, she dances with every guy except you, as you stand by watching like the teenage bait that you are.

The Disheartened Wench
This character only comes along as a result of you and your ‘boys’ sticking to the ‘G Code’ that simply states: “Sharing is caring”. This character is normally recommended from a close friend. The subject is still not over THAT friend, so the timely intervention & soothing company of another male is key. Still not over the pain of lost love, most conversations are filled with, “I just can’t believe he did that.” to which -if you’re smart- you’ll reply, “I know just how you feel.”

After enduring a couple weeks of neediness on her part, if you pull this off right enough, coupled with strategic pathetic sad puppy faces, it’ll definitely get you to where you want to be: a comfy parking space at Devon House, at night, Air Conditioning on the lowest possible temperature and a baton twirling security guard amidst; left baffled as to why your car is the only one with foggy windows.

The ‘Joe Grind’ Experience
This species is defined by her stunning looks. She’s the type that EVERY guy goes after. No one is immune to her beauty. The short of it is that she is all pretty face but no character whatsoever- but her ass is too fine to pass up, even if it leads you down a road of destruction. How do you meet? She’s got a man, they’re having problems, and she calls you every night in tears after they come off the phone. She needs comforting. Comforting leads to, “Hey what you doing for lunch tomorrow?” Lunch leads to long gazes and playing footsy under the table of Pizza Hut, oblivious to her friend sitting right beside you.

All of sudden you both are the quintessential “Batty & Bench” -always seen together. A day doesn’t go by that she doesn’t call you or flirt with you. Your natural human response is a fast and steady development of an oily ‘pudding’ in your back, until one day after weeks of resisting her temptations you give in.

From that day on, you are an official male matey. All her friends see you together but have no idea what’s going on. Constant Joe grinding is the order of the day, she can’t get enough of you, and vice versa. You find every parking lot in both major universities to quench the lust for each other, every free school period an opportunity to drive back home together. You’re enamored by her beauty and the ‘props’ you get from other guys for actually knowing this chick. You eventually cause the break up between her long time boyfriend, and all her friends find out.

You’re status is now raised to “Top Shotta”, as you are the “guy to break up this great relationship”. Eventually Karma is the bitch she always is, and what goes around comes around. She moves on to some other dude, as the relationship is “too much to handle” and “everyone is talking”. You’re a train wreck and sad that you’ve lost the best piece of ass to ever cross your path, but what always brings a smile to your face is the reminiscing of the way you ‘wore that out.’

The Christian Chick
After your many college years of pimping, you decide to take a break. Maybe you need a little Jesus in your life. You’re weary from the long and treacherous road of College Hoes. The thought always crossed your mind, but you never believed you would ever find a good looking Christian chick. So you find her. She’s a 7, but that’s ok, as there’s almost no good looking Christian chicks in Jamaica anyway.

Her attributes are immature behavior and what I like to refer to as ‘Chicken Coop Syndrome’-locked off and totally unaware of society’s norms and values because of her devout love for God. You find her passion for God mysterious and enlightening- she actually has your lazy behind going back to church, and quoting scriptures. You can see a future ahead of you: Kids, picket fences, a dog named Rambo and the smell of bacon; however you are always questioning yourself if the sex will be any good, when you finally do get some -will she consult God first if I tell her my fantasies of wanting Rambo and the Parakeet watching us have sex?

Later on you realize that she’s not really mysterious; she’s actually just fucking boring. You’re not allowed to watch a freaking horror movie, your beloved Sopranos, or your Sunday Night HBO line up- as it’s ungodly and she doesn’t approve of such things. You ask yourself if you can stand another Saturday of watching freaking “Shrek” with her baby sister.

Because of her ‘Chicken Coop Syndrome’, she doesn’t respond well to problems, and the first thing she does when hardship arises is to run and drop the Jesus Bomb on you-“I’m sorry, I talked to my councilor and she said that if I don’t feel comfortable about something I should just let it pass.”

The Conclusion? You tell yourself never to talk to another girl that doesn’t know her left foot, from her right.

The Snake under Grass ‘Ho’
The MOST deceptive bitch ever to ever cross your path. She is characterized by the only girl to slip by your pimp radar and do the pimping herself…on you!

She is defined by her family problems, constant talk about marriage and a better life which is anywhere but home, away from one or both of her annoying parents. She makes you feel like a king for the first couple of months. Bending to your will, and most importantly- into any pretzel shape you desire. You put food in her trough whenever she comes over, as for some reason she isn’t well fed at home.(which is ironic considering the last sentence on this type)

You’re amazed of the girlfriend attributes she has: Rubbing your back while you watch Television and being cool enough to actually own and play a video game console, but still you keep your distance, pimping isn’t easy after all.

However, after a couple of months of a trivial relationship and squabbles, while still your girlfriend, goes abroad and comes back married. Yes married. No matter how deceptive and evil it sounds you strangely find yourself relieved and getting over her with ease; because of the one problem that stood out from the moment you met her, the reason you never carried her ass out in public, the thing that irked you silently, the one thing, no matter what excellent things she pulled off in bed- still pulled at the steel core of your masculine shallowness and inner sanctity-she was a porker.(fat/swine/Ms. Piggy)

The current state of Rockfort Mineral Spa

Once upon a time there was a beloved place of rest and relaxation named Rockfort Mineral Spa. It was a place where you could go for the aesthetic pleasures of bubbling heated water or bonofide relief of certain ailments with the aid of varying mineral baths that where at your disposal.
(SKIP A COUPLE YEARS AHEAD)
The roach motel now run by Mr. Prakash, a man obviously devote to the ways of making a quick buck, (The way of the coolie) is an absolute atrocity! The beloved Mineral bathe is now ‘lucrative’ in collecting a couple dollars from neighboring patrons to access the make shift pool, gently laced with cement dust floating at the bottom. Other services offered are meals from a less than appetizing kitchen that I have personally been in to inspect, and occasional users of the mineral bathes.

Changing Area and Bathrooms
This area actually consists of an uncovered labyrinth, exposed to the sun and traffic. It obviously best serves as an area for persons on the compound to come and have sexual encounters, as there are simply raggedly old concrete booths, with wooden doors, ready to drop off their hinges. Most stalls bare graffiti signs detailing the number of sexual exploits of conquered females/ males in the booth and the said positions they where delivered.

The Spa Area
Mr. Prick..I mean Prakash, has the entrance floor to this area flooded with water…for whatever reason, I guess it has to do with fueling prospective clients the desire to get wet?? Maybe?? Anyway, the Spa areas, although in working condition is unsavory. What can I say? The tiles in the spa in which you sit, the floor, the walls, even the wastebasket in the corner is a site to be seen…or not. I guess persons wishing to get some type of therapeutic benefit from here will have to be completely focused on the supposed benefits, and stay clear of any presumptions that the treatment, aesthetically, will be pleasing.

Mr. Prakash, after taking up the position of management blames his ‘loss’ of business due to the fact that the nearby super giant company, Caribbean Cement Co. located beside it is to blame, as the dust from the plant has floated over and, “mashed up the business”.
I have a clear alternative for Mr. Prakash..a few sticks of dynamite will solve your problems. Look into it sir and reap the rewards.


Jimscreechy

Interlude to Anarchy: A Public Service Announcement

Bad Karma for C&W?

I have no sympathy for this company whatsoever where their financial status is concerned. Does anyone care to jump back in time with me, a few years ago when a company now known as Digicel, penetrated the then, monopolized Mobile/ Telecommunications industry? Does anyone care to remember the absolutely ghastly service most received from C&WJ in the mobile category? Service was an “on occasion” basis. Those brave enough to wield C&WJ mobiles were slewed with inappropriate service and uninspired packages and/ or services, unregulated “free” international and local calls, queued text messages and not to mention having the chore of lugging around the 4lb phones. Not until the long awaited presence of Digicel arrived did we have a choice, and what a wonderful feeling choice is in a world of none. I purposely waited a couple of months for Digicel to set up operations, to purchase my first mobile and I’m glad I waited.

My reason for having no empathy for C&WJ is because, it was not until the influx of some nature of competition, coupled with a noticeable boom in sales of choice mobile phones from Digicel, did C&WJ decide to ‘pull up their socks’ and diversify their mobile product. Thus the reason for the massive marketing strategy featuring the puzzling “switch” logos and then the final launch and activation of their newly acquired GSM/TDMA network, which the implementation of is now one of the reasons they have failed to pull a profit and cannot pay out dividends. Bad Service. Bad Forecasting. Bad Karma.

I shudder to think where we all currently would be if some sort of competition had not arrived on JA soil- we would be probably all still be punching away at the ”Retry” button several times to connect and still brandishing the less than desired “peanut phone”. My fellow Jamaicans do we not see the power that we wield? A valuable lesson can be learned I implore all, do no put up with shabby service of any kind, encourage competition and demand fair service as it can do wonders, encouraging these large companies to try hard to improve their product, ultimately pleasing us, the customer.

Sham shame on you C&W for poor planning, and for putting your investors in such a position.

Jimscreechy

Ask what the new Police Comish can do for you-January 15,2005

The New Police Commish-what’s in store?

Squaddie or Squaddy (skwod ’ē), n. pl.-dies.
Jamaican Informal. a Policeman by technical standards, however by the standards of civilized Jamaicans- an irate/ disgruntled/ inept member of the police force who for his/her mental ability should actually be better suited tending to someone’s lawn as an alternative to being assigned a patrol vehicle and a government issued firearm.

The expected babble of what is to be expected of the new Police Commish replacing the much inept and disappointing ousted ex Police Commissioner Francis Forbes has started and the boring published high hopes of the media (soon to be crushed in the near future because of the impending, predictable cataclysmic flop of any JA political venture) about what can be done for the new button pusher, Lucius Thomas to improve what we all currently refer to as the er…Police Force of Jamaica (?)

Bill Johnson of Johnson’s Survey has been appointed the expected and tedious task of instilling hope in a country that should have given up a long time ago about the hopes for the Police Force. He does this by recommending ways as how Lucy old Boy can ‘connect’ with the massives, thus gaining our trust and maybe even the trust of the relatives of those purposely snuffed out by Reneto ‘Mad Max’ Adams??…(See archived article, entitled, “Operation Kingfish- Jamaica’s Latest Crime fighting Squad-October 20,2004”)

Well, for the pill popping, purple skunked eyed, politically un-inclined, Jimscreechy of www.jimscreechy.blogspot.com has come up with a number of ways the new Commish can improve the Police Force, thus regaining respect in the eyes of the public in his first few couple a months:

1. First and foremost, send back ¾ of the entire Police Force to re-sit their CXC English language exam and even if they do pass…send them back just to be sure!! We the people, are tired of being pulled over in our cars, only to be badgered by near leotard wearing, fresh outta da camp squaddies that cant even speak English!

2. Please! Please! Get rid of the middle aged Cop, always at the scene of a crime, on the 8 o’clock news, wearing a tight polyester khaki uniform and top hat, swinging around his S&M baton. He NEVER has any other comment for the reporters, other than, “We accosted the individual at approximately (so and so time), and then we proceeded to detain him and will be questioning him further on the matter. During this pathetic display of Public Relations- beads of sweat are rolling down his face and his eyes are darting all over the place, eagerly searching for something to inspire his next statement.

3. How about actually assigning those fresh, green, group of squaddies, posted all around Kingston somewhere shady to stand so that they wont be so irate and cocky when they do stop us. Maybe the root of their derangement lies in being pelted by the sun hours for hours at a time. Brain fried squaddies might tend to only wreak more havoc on the un assuming public.


4. Make it mandatory for, “How bad is my driving? Call this number..“ decals to be placed on the back of all police vehicles. How much times have we the people had to pull over on the curb to let through a police vehicle-sirens a blazing only to notice on their passing by that the vehicle is filled with two catties smiling in approval at the squaddies successful attempt to show their power over traffic. Double dating on taxpayers $ are they?

5. Last, but one of the most noteworthy suggestions should be on the delivery of new police initiatives. Whether they be crime deterrent initiatives, public relation initiatives or maybe even the promise of a spanking new fleet of automobiles; always Lucy old boy, start your public speeches/ press conferences with emphasis on “maybe it can work” or “we hope to do the following things” :

Good luck old boy and we look forward to your first job productivity assessment later down in the year. Lets hope you don’t bomb.


Jim Screechy

Da Roach Motel

The Robinsons'-Kingston Public Hospitals' First Family

And here I thought the only roach motel we had in the area was actually Chelsea Hotel…oh no I’m sorry I’m mistaking the Haitian/Cuban refugees hiding out there by the outside pool halls for roaches…my bad! They just seem to be always there!
The authentic roach motel currently being talked is actually the infamous Kingston Public Hospital. The enormous influxes of roaches there are deemed to have supernatural resiliency. Maybe, even the roaches fear the escalating crime rate and have taken to relocating?

Local teenage roaches have taken up residency outside and within the compound of the hospital. No area of the hospital has been left off the list as feasible shelter; reportedly, even the bottom of patients’ cups and bed pans are a homely place for the multi legged Kingstonians, and with all the modern methods of pest fumigation, non have worked, so no possible eviction to their residency is anticipated.

Noting the obvious mystical forces that drive the roach plague, Operations Manager of the hospital, David Dobson, flatly states that he can’t promise the total removal of the roaches anytime soon but hopes the current methods will take it to a reasonable level- if there is ever such a thing as a ‘reasonable’ roach level at a hospital.

Various numbers of traditionalist, elderly staff member speculate that the roach armada is actually the spirits of the deceased patients who died at the facility due to inept medical procedures, coming back in full devastating force and numbers to pay revenge on the deplorable facility in order to see it shut down.

Shifting blame of course is a trusted and true Jamaican management tactic, and in such a fashion to defend the management structure, while shooting himself in the foot, Mr. Dobson says the problem can also arise from the multiple vendors of food and the sewage in close proximity.

Shifting back the blame in the face of the management, with trusted health knowledge, Chief Public Health Inspector, Everton Baker said that is impossible and ridiculous that the vendors could ever be blamed as the source of the problem as roaches need food and water to survive; non of which both is plausible of being sold around the raw sewage also in close proximity….or could it?

Jim Screechy

Rat Vs The Zebra for JLP Leadership-October 24,2004

Zebra VS. Back & Belly Rat (Old Folk Saying used to describe a "Backstabber")


As a race for the next president of The U.S.A goes on, Jamaica is also having its own.
This race is for the new leader of the JLP. The two contenders being Bruce Golding and Pearnel Charles.

I would think that they would take the election seriously and seize every opportune moment to voice their main objectives and strategies. In recent Gleaner interviews they do nothing but regurgitate the equivalent insipid facts we hear repeatedly.

Bruce Golding
Hailing from Ginger Ridge St. Catherine, Mr. Golding’s ‘main arguments’ appear to be centred around narratives that some of us have come to be familiar with by hearing them from our parents.
“We had tanks at the back and fetched water to bring it into the house. Bedrooms had a washstand, a big enameled basin and what we called, ahmm a goblet, and an outside toilet. That’s how we grew up!”

“When I was 7, my mom got a job at Alpha and that’s why we moved to Kingston. My father bought a house there and that’s where we lived.”

Off the record, Mr. Golding, lost in the moment stated that in the morning, while his mom dropped him to school, she would occasionally take a hanky, swabbed with some of her saliva and proceed to wipe his ashy forehead and white squall if he had forgotten to lotion properly.

Bruce making at least one valuable point in why he would be a good candidate was that it was in his blood and it was his late father, former Speaker of the house, Tacious Nathaniel Golding who enthused him, by taking him to political meetings at night.

Pearnel Charles
A fellow Social Activist like my self, the zebra striped Pearnel Charles takes the family approach. Ever boasting about his seven children all who have reputable achievements- three Medical Doctors, a dentist, one lawyer and a PhD candidate…. the last child probably illegitimate as he/she was not mentioned.
“If a person can manage and properly run a family, you can do it for a nation. My children are products of careful development, from day one, even the toys that they played with where carefully chosen”

Seeing that no hardcore evidence has been given to us voters to help make a decision lets see how the contender’s stack up to an important over looked facto, popularity and moral standing.



Conclusion
Pearnel Charles wins for the said reasons:

Pearnel undeniably has the young vote, gained for being fashionably conscious for so long, as it has to do with hair styling. He also gets props for managing to develop seven outstanding kids. One Dr. in the family is good, but three, and a lawyer?

Golding is a very controversial figure. Hailed as a traitor when he left the JLP to form his own party in direct opposition to his past associates. Also deemed as a “Ginnal” and probably has an agenda to alter the structure of the JLP. Shady character.

JA Health Ministry jumps on the initiative bandwagon-October 23, 2004

The choice is yours...or is it?
In adding to the argument that Jamaican politicians are more of a response-based bunch instead of being revolutionary, The Ministry of Health is in discussion to release their own form of ‘Crime/Health Initiative’, focusing on criminalizing the act of infecting someone with the HIV Virus.

Speculations are it will be dubbed as “Operation Genital Restraint”. The new focus comes from pressures mounted by West Indies Junior Chamber CARICOM two-day summit held on Tuesday, pressuring Government to take legal action against persons who knowingly infect others with the deadly HIV/AIDS Virus. At current, obvious enough in Caribbean countries, there is no known law, which makes the infection of others an illegal act.

As though it was a sign of God to come, also on the heels of the AIDS/HIV debate on Tuesday, held at the Jamaican Conference Centre, was Karen Turner, USAID’s Mission Director for Jamaica and the Caribbean.

Ms. Turner stated that like crime HIV should be seen as a significant threat to the economic and social well being of Jamaica. Probably still suffering from the effects of jet lag, she also made the bizarre note that if the oversexed, lust pot Country of Brazil can do it, why not Jamaica?

“Brazil has cut its infection rates by 50%, especially among men who have sex with men.” (!?!?!?)

Evidently Ms. Turners theory of prospect in Jamaica was slightly skewed, and is not aware that here we are still, only quite partial to the idea of men having sex with women. And then there is, of course a niche of some, who are ‘not-so-disapproving’ of women… who have sex with women….like me.

Speculations are that Minister of Health, John Junior want this new initiative, to set out to take an unprecedented approach to the H.I.V/A.I.D.S crisis and will also be in direct competition with the agenda of decreasing the amount of casualties in the island yearly.

Speculated responses are that, Dr. Peter Philips stated that though the day after the Kingfish initiative was announced, 4 persons where killed in gang related crimes, the chance of the Ministry of Health’s Operations in prosecuting individuals will have to wait their turn as it requires police presence to do so, and that is a public service only to be available after Kingfish becomes another official flop.

Jim Screechy

Donald ‘Zekes’ Phipps charged!-October 19, 2004

A brief rest before the last cavity search










Apparently my notion that Zekes would be a strong candidate for the next mayor of Kingston was wrong! I contemplated this since he seemed to have more control and say over what happens in certain areas of the downtown community, more so than the relevant bumbling authorities. Finally some dirt has been found on this area don who has been the axis of shady attention in Mathews Lane, Kingston for over four years.

Mr. Zekes rose to popularity in 1998 when he was shackled and jailed for 48 hours by the police, and in retaliation the entire downtown area was ‘locked’ by irate residents- road blocks, burning debris, women jumping up and down in the streets with only their bras and neon colored tights on, and other well known 7 o’clock news eye candy. Our very own law enforcement also clashed with gunmen during this time, astonished by the power and charisma that this one man wielded.

Zekes was also called upon to squelch the violence between rival gunmen of Mathews Lane and Tivoli Gardens in recent weeks, forcing merchants in downtown to close their businesses. Thus showing his aptitude for vagrant control and order…something our tax hungry, Mitsubishi Pajero driving, fat cats lack the ability to do.

Zekes was officially charged on October 16, 2004 with the illegal possession of ammunition and possession of and dealing in Ganja. He was also found with US$43,000 and JA$6.4 Million! That sneaky bastard! On being detained, he is said to have remained calm and ‘instructed’ the community not to obstruct the course of the law. Boy, what a leader. I can only hope for his sake, that this pint-sized man has the same power and say in what goes on with the undertakings of his rare end when he is sent to prison. What goes around comes around huh? Memories of HBO’s “Oz” anyone?

Jim Screechy

Operation Kingfish- Jamaica’s Latest Crime fighting Squad-October 20,2004

Minister of National Security, Dr. Peter Phillips addressing key private sector leaders and reporters at the Hilton Kingston Hotel last night, said that this year’s latest installment (in a string of over a dozen failed attempts within the last 12 years) of a crime fighting initiative is in progress, and has been dubbed, “Operation Kingfish”!

Dr. Phillips theorizes that the spanking new name is suffice to instill confidence in the citizens of Jamaica that with the alarming death toll caused by criminal gangs, some, if not all of us will actually have a chance of living through the last quarter to see the blessed new year. Noting that the death toll is now officially at 1,161, the most ever recorded in the nations history, Dr. Phillips was certain in his mind that the sudden initiative will derail the performance based embarrassment the party has been facing for the duration of the party’s leadership.

Squad & Year Implemented
Echo Squad: 1976

Ranger Squad: 1980

Eradication Squad: 1981

Area Four Task Force: 1986

Operation Ardent: 1992


SACTF (ACID): 1993


Operation Crest: 1995


Operation Justice: 1995


Operation Dovetail: 1997


Organized Crime Unit: 1998


Operation Intrepid: 1999


Crime Management Unit: 2000


Organized Crime Investigation Division: 2003


Operation Kingfish: 2004




Dr. Clueless stated that brainstormed names as, “Operation Incompetent”, “I-.B.A.D- Innocent Bystander Assassination Division”, “The Unorganized Bungling Idiot Squad”, “Operation Hopeless”, and “A.C.I.D II - Allied Cumbersome Inept Department”, where all revoked as they shed too much light on public thoughts of previous crime fighting initiatives or surfaced matters that needed to be kept on the down low.

Learning from past experiences, not to head up task forces, with flamboyant, deranged killing psychopaths (i.e. Senior Superintendent Reneto Adams), a virtually unknown will be taking over this years mandate of breaking the back of organized crime. Assistant Commissioner Glenmore Hinds will be the Governments manageable puppet- a 27-year veteran of the Jamaica Constabulary Force.
Passionately trying to avoid ‘Reneto-like’ public relations disasters, the government before approving his position, ordered every test short of DNA scrutiny, which included a detailed background check, physical, urine and stool samples, unfathomable cavity checks and rigid psychoanalysis.

For those who don’t remember, Senior Superintendent Reneto Adams was the former leader of the now redundant Crime Management Unit (CMU), which was disbanded by Police Commissioner Francis Forbes last June after failure to meet objectives of stopping dons and deportees involved in Crime. Instead of stopping the said people, Reneto is claimed to have targeted them in the scope of his rifle instead; thus positioning himself in a number of controversial killings and being subject to high profile investigations.

Jim Screechy