What you SHOULD HAVE given your mom for Mothers Day

This mothers day, try and take the Jim Screechy approach: against social norms. Try something unconventional and witty.

This mothers day I'm giving my mother the ultimate gift, the gift that keeps giving and also affords me the oppurtunity to NEVER have to buy her another gift for the rest of my life!

I say try it. What's this gift? It's called "Continued Independence from your parents"- I won't ask you for anything, you dont ask me for shite for another couple of years mom. Holla!

J. Sheezy

Portia 'Sista P' Simpson spawns a plague of uppity females in Jamaica

Uppity Yardy Female: any female, post- Portia winning the election, that has a revamped sense of 'feminine pride' generated by the actuality that a lady originating from the working class of Jamaican society has elevated herself to the elite heights of a Country's Government.

Ok so Portia won. The mystique has caused somewhat of a feminine uprising Yardy style. There seems to have been the start of something called “The Sista P Woman’s Nationalist Front”- No pun intended. Her victory has done more than just make history as Jamaica’s first female Prime Minister; it has inspired and created a horde of females riding the band wagon of her fame and success. Females that haven’t achieved a tenth of her accomplishments, but now have her attitude, or the attitude of a bitch (for lack of a better word) and are popping up islandwide, justified by mere association of being a female.

During my daily routine tasks of being “just some dude”, unfortunately I have come across the unsolicited wrath of such females. They range from scabby security guard to corporate elites. One thing for sure is that despite their occupation, their self esteem and confidence have reached bloodthirsty, castrating- feminist proportions- which poses a near physical, emptional and verbal threat to Jamaican males.

1.Male/Female/ She-He @ Burger King, Barbican Road

Unfortunately, for the sake of my mental health, I came across this human deviation while getting food. This attendant, while taking my order seemed to be going through a personal dilemma in his/her life, but seemed to draw strength from Sista P’s success. He/She while taking my order gave me an attitude while I merely fumbled around in my wallet trying to find my debit card. For some reason unknown to me, I guess he/ she thought I wasn’t important enough to be waited on, and started looking from side to side in disbelief and disgust as I was baffled as what to choose on the menu.

Sorry Mr. /Ms. Important Burger King cashier for taking time out of your highly stressful job of pressing buttons on a keypad, and salting the fries, to attend to me, the dude that helped pay for those ghastly floral shirt you and your cronies wear.

2. The absent female employees of Michaels Restaurant, 141 B Constant Spring Road.

I live in the Kingston 8 area and being a bachelor I need my cooked food when necessary. The females at Michaels Restaurant sure do cook a good BBQ meal and prior to the elections have been very accommodating to my whining and haste at the counter as I grovel at the smell in the restaurant.

Post elections, upon entering the premises, I have almost always come across this image. Not one subservient female in sight as I walked through the front doors of the restaurant.Even after the door squeaks open, they still wait for you to bang on the rusty bell, placed on the counter before they come out to take your order.

3. Feisty Cashier at office compound tells me I can't bore in the line, even if I pre-ordered my food.

Where I order my lunch, there are one bag of grease-laden, smelly college students, and I sure as hell am not fighting through a lunch line, like the days of high school , only to get my fancy office attire all messed up. To prevent this I make sure to call the cashier and give her my order.

All of a sudden after Portia winning, I man have to stand up in line JUST to pick up my order. What a brute! I also have to find exact change quick, quick so as not to hold up the line! :S

4. Miscellaneous walk foot Gas Station Attendant @ Texaco in Barbican (foot of Jack’s Hill)

This uppity bitch had the nerve to ask me if MY 1993 Toyota REALLY used 90 Octane?? What the hell is she trying to say- that my car is old and only look like it can use 87 octane??

After I put her in her place she ALSO has the nerve to walk of and say to her grease laden colleagues how,”Everytime da bwoy come here, is pure $100 gas him a buy!” Not only do I NOT see this woman driving to work in her OWN car, she has the nerve to talk down to me because a nigga is on a budget? Who does she think she is?? I hope there's a gas leak at that station and she bites the dust like Joan of Arc did- on Fire!