Corporate Debauchery- escaping the monotony of your 9-5 job

For those unfortunate to be in a job you don’t like, here are a couple of interesting exercises to relieve the repetitiveness of your daily grind. It should be noted, that assessing the ineptness of your immediate supervisor or HR manager before carrying out such activities is very important.

Maximizing your lunch time

A much often overlooked and under assessed loophole in corporate Jamaica. Take your packed lunch to work and under the pretense of going to the bathroom; chow down on your food. The result will remove your hunger AND still allows you a one hour break to either visit your significant other for a quick shag or get interviewed for that job opening without letting your boss know your business.

Office Olympics

Leaving an active lifestyle at college or high school to enter the mundane tasks of a job can have disastrous effects on an individual’s mental health. For those who are used to having an active lifestyle, engaging in some blood pumping Office Olympics is the right way to regain that lost adrenaline rush. There are a number of things you can do, but this activity requires some amount of space so choose wisely. It’s always suggested that the activities have a reward, such as the victor buys lunch, etc.

Office Hurdles

Place about three to five desks in front of each other and see who can jump over each faster. This is a true test of endurance and will get your blood pumping and even make you sweat, so reserve this one for when your boss is guaranteed not to be back for an hour at least.

Office Equipment Hammer

Sick of that old wired mouse or keyboard on your desk? Too embarrassed to carry your significant other in your office, fearing ridicule. Stationary Hammer get’s rid of any prehistoric equipment and forces your boss to get on board with wireless technology. Stationary Hammer works with immediate effect, is gratifying and requires the least exertion of energy for entertainment. Whether it be stationary, or electronics, simply grab any tethered piece of office equipment, whirl it around your head and aim for the coffee mug by the annual report. Your boss will realize the disastrous effects wired technology poses to the continuance and timeliness of the organization and upgrade to wireless technology.

Partition Pole-vaulting

A must have for this exercise is a mop from the janitor’s closet and …well a partition. I recommend that you not use partitions higher than 5ft for obvious reasons. Simply get ready your mop, make sure that partition isn’t wobbly, that there’s a decent landing space behind it (void of thumbtacks) and hurl yourself over it!

Politically Correct Sexual Harassment

Unfortunately in Jamaica, we’re a nation believing in cheap labor, so most females at an office aren’t rather appealing to the eye. For obvious reasons, this doesn’t seem to apply to females working at Air Jamaica or Scotia Bank though.

For those in drab 9-5 paper shuffling jobs, you have to resort to females that unfortunately smell like Brut aerosol, constantly scratch their heads to alleviate the symptoms of wearing cheap horse hair (weaves) and leak folds of skin from the openings of their uniforms.

Use this approach if you so happen to be blessed with a lil browning at the office:

For the first few days, give her a head nod in the morning followed by a quick, “What’s’ up?” After that’s been done, ask her for her MSN name and start including her in the forwarding of nasty emails you ever received, but be sure that you also email everyone in your list. Depending on her response, you can then assume she’s a prude or she can be hit be hit on. Either way you’re technically not in trouble and you have actually found out if she’s a freak or not without having a five minute corridor meeting about her exes.

God’s gift to employees- MSN Messenger

And on the third day, god created the horse, which through the centuries, evolved into use as a beast of burden- carting mail in the 17^th century and then was taken over by the internet. If there was anything more necessary to getting through a paper shuffling day, it would be this program. Be careful though, the more boring your job is the more likely you’ll get caught using it.

My Seed Is My Own!

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You know you're getting old when a bunch of college friends are falling into the social trap of marriage or producing babies.

Not that I haven't been propositioned a few times for the ‘bliss’ of the old ball and chain routine, but the circumstances were all a bit peculiar. The females were more interested in commissioning me for my essence in order to produce the perfect offspring. In their eyes, it seems, my mojo, but the lack of my actual person, would contribute to producing the perfect child, as I am of good build, lacking in excess fat, smart, amusing, and I have “nice eyes”. There was one particular female, who a bit on the plump side, raved constantly about not wanting a fat baby- that being the main reason my seed was in high demand.

As females get older, it’s quite obvious that they have a yearning to get knocked up. Unfortunately for them there is not enough males in their age group that are willing to facilitate such actions, as for men, the older they get the less likely they want to knock a female up. As each year passes and another conquering notch is added to a man’s belt, he realizes that this mating routine can be followed for the rest of his days. Why limit yourself to a measly vagin-a-day, when there is a fruitful abundance of naïve, impressionable young lasses, fresh into University that need some father like guidance in the areas of love. If all middle aged men were to be wed at 30-35, who would be there to guide the 19 year old females in the becoming of age positioning orders of, “ No honey, turn around...that’s right, arch your back and raise it up for daddy now...” ?

For some reason the media normally portrays males commissioned just for their sperm, as packers of fudge (fudge-packers). I’ve never had the slightest inclination to take part in such activities. It’s probably a period of dementia that’s experienced by females as the biological clock ticks. Sperm hungry, and wanting to nurture they're out and about sizing up any male they're close to for a ‘smalls’. This eagerness to ‘spit one out’ probably can be linked to all the cases of teacher on student sex that’s been taking place. Unfortunately I never got to experience that....bleh!

Dear Portia, Jesus himself isn't capable of turning your frog into a prince.

Dear Portia,

We've all been victims of the mindset caused by fairytale books during childhood. We should probably believe that because of your rough upbringing and lack of 'the finer things in life' due to your childhood poverty, that you would have been void of such a mindset- but obviously not.

Errald Miller, your husband, sadly, is ugly. There's no kiss in the world even from the lips of one who does the bidding of God, that shall change him from a purple, spotted, CWJ employee, to a handsome and slender prince. He's always been ugly and will continue to be so until he has been seen the bottom of a vehicles tire, trying to cross the road, after hopping out of a nearby water source.

Toad-like resemblances and having a boatload of money doesn't necessarily mean that a man is attractive. Then again, when you think about it, if both individuals in a relationship have similar disguised aesthetic 'qualities'- you and your infamous wig and Errald and his unassuming face of success, then maybe, just maybe you where both made for each other...