Truth or Farce?

Introspective?

Who we are and what we promise. Whether it be to one person or to the masses.
Who to trust, what to do.

Does it make a difference now or in the future? How do the masses choice their opium?

Who will lie responsibly(?) for the swaying of two million votes. Will it be the conceptualiser or will it be the overpowering, historical dedication of the of grass roots?

I am Jim Screechy's resolve.

Leaked Bob Woolmer Jamaican S&M Video

The powers that be have written off the Bob Woolmer case, stating that he died from natural causes. Horsewash! As promised, I'm providing one of the last trists Bob Woolmer had while in Jamaica before fatally being strangled by a Latina whore from Platinum.

Here we see Bob going at it in real S&M fashion with whips and chains in the background. He even donned a wig for the session and incorporated some of the training techniques of counting, he used with his Pakistan team. Man I tell you, everybody's got deep dark secrets eh?

Rest in peace Bob, at least you got to sow your wild oats before kicking the bucket.

Cornwall 'Bigga' Ford In Reverse

Bob Woolmer's Death Caused By Local Ghetto Slam

Amid the skepticism surrounding the death of the Pakistan Coach, there hasn't been much research into the clear and obvious fact ( nevertheless politically incorrect) that Woolmer simply died from his voracity for ethnic flesh.

The typical scapegoat of consorting with illegal bets and sport corruption plays no part in his demise. Woolmer suffered from the exact same viral disease that all men (and non gender hand puppets like myself) suffer from-the need to conquer yet another piece of female flesh.

The proximity of punnany (not Punjabi) is what led him to choose the Jamaica Pegasus as the choice hotel for the team. New Kingston, is full of agents of flesh, and the Platinum night club was to be his chosen stop. Thoughts of engaging in ethnic delights reached out to his masculine core and tugged him from his hotel room that night. Sources say that Woolmer left Pegasus, was seen at Platinum, and returned to his hotel room with a "young lady in a blood red dress."

What many didn't know about Woolmer, is that he liked to engage in a certain sexual fetish known as the "Scissor Hold" and longed to try out a local for his next and fatal interaction as well as getting a local Ghetto Slam to boot. As fate would have it, he took back to the hotel with him, not a local JA girl, but one of the popular Latina's from Platinum. A leaked picture taken in the hotel room shows Woolmer and the prostitute engaging in the sexual act that killed him. Speculation is that the Latina's English was not so good and that Woolmer's pleas or shouting of the safety word, indicating for her to stop, were interpreted by the Latina whore, to squeeze tighter.

"How Stella got her groove back" led many black American women, to Jamaican hotels in search of a male from the Food & Beverage or watersports department for a mate. The islands sexually explicit dancing has lured many foreign men to the shores of Jamaica, seeking the famous dancehall Ghetto Slam that's been given worldwide recognition. poor Woolmer was just taking advantage of being in the country at the right time.

The Ghetto Slam is a predominantly vigorous and gymnastic styled sex performed by local women and can be learned rather easily by ethnics such as the Latina above. Many foreign men seek such acts to supplement and even in some cases replace the boorish sexual acts performed by their less than desirable wives.

Woolmer, being very old wasn't up for the requirements of the Ghetto Slam and his stamina level was depleted to a point where he was unable to prevent the crushing of the bones in his neck, like previous encounters. This slow and cruel crushing caused him to loose control over his bowels, resulting in the excretement found on the floor of the hotel room.

It's common that persons from different cultures other than the Caribbean, revolve around a much slower pace of living. This slower pace affects both physical movement, agility (which supports the fact that most Europeans/westerners are Porkers) and ability to be cunning. Citizens of a first world country don't have to conceptualize cunning ways of beating the system and dodging the police. A first/second world country supplies a quantity and level of comforts allowing the citizens to move and live at a slower pace. However it's interesting to note that if we as a third world country are suppose to be more cunning and 'faster' as a result of the system, why do many of our top business leaders remain white? Unfortunately I'll have to touch on that in another post.

In short, Woolmer lived up to stereotype of a typical white man, that "Can't handle the wuk"

F$^*) You, Pay Me! (Part 3) Shifta Interview

Below is one of the hardest interviews I've ever had to do. Why? The interviewee was constantly stuffing his face, smacking his lips,talking creole and answering his cell phone. "Shifta, the girl dem Mr." eh? Doubt it! I think your music leaves much to be desired-honestly the lyrics and production quality is real low. Stick to reaping the benefits of living in Florida and go open a Golden Krust franchise.

NB.- His career must be going south as his posse's website has been suspended.

Shifta- “changing gears with the times”

Shifta, “The girl dem Mista”, born and hardened in Jamrock, exported to U.S.A to reap the benefits of a ’higher’ minimum wage, Uncle Sam’s education, strengthen his D.J craft and to round up better looking groupies on the get go.

Who is Shifta you ask? Shifta, a part of the budding group “Fras Krew” in his own right has come of age and of his own standing. Like most artists who start out in the group crutch, Shifta was the one who “got out” first and started doing his own thing.

Now that he’s gained his own mass following, has his Toppa Top Super Producer dad as his backitive and his promotions company doing big things both in Florida and the “876” (Jamaica), Shifta has enough clout behind his name to be rejecting big name recording houses like Def Jam and Jay Records, when they approach him with deals.

He’s had major success and air play time with his singles, “Ganja Shop” and “Nuff Gyal” which are testosterone packed party melodies, based of what he says are analogies to his life experiences and struggles to his place in stardom.

After being exported by his parents to MIA in 1993, from the ‘less than fortunate’ upper class area of Jacks Hills, Kingston Jamaica, Tamrat “Shifta” Mason began his journey towards his musical career by joining a DJ squad dubbed as “Wickidness International”, being recruited as a sound selector, carrying sound boxes, doing his rounds for various parties in the surrounding area and fine tuning his craft. The music industry and culture were something he's always been exposed to from his years as a teen; his dad in the early 1990’s was a well known and respected Jamaican producer that made extremely popular hits for the likes of “General Degree”, “Lady Saw” and ”Buccaneer” .

Shifta’s style of recording is extremely distinctive-Dancehall influenced with American Hip Hop terminology slapped in a couple of times on the track to give it that extra raw boundary; on stage performances filled with unrelenting vigor and unique style. The approach to marketing his career and music are the way of the hustling underdog that could: mixed CD’s and straight up Guerrilla marketing; he is determined to make it on his own first before accepting any lucrative deals.

Being heavily into Reggateon and Reggae music, he’s in the progress of doing collaborations with popular artists like “Pit Bull”, “Rhianna”, “Tami Chin”, “Turbulence” and “Gyptian” and has worked with Jamaican producers such as, “Jazzy T”,”DJ Karim”, “Supa Hype”, “Danny Champagne”, and “Stephen McGregor”.

“I recognized that being in the music game, the only way to stay fresh and on the tip of everyone’s tongue is to keep your game tight; always re-inventing yourself, doing new collaborations and maintaining an appealing image to the public.”

In working with the modern, popular and damn smart trend of being in the music business, Shifta has also taken to the smart move of marketing...everything. Six months ago he started a Record Label and he’s had a lucrative family operated business for the past three years- “Timeless Promotions/Entertainment”, which does a mix of money making ventures including promoting chic all-inclusive parties and the infamous cliched venture – the clothing line. I asked him if he was thinking about doing a deal with Reebok for a infamous rap artist inspired “White on white” sneaker- it’s not something he’s thought about yet, but it’s something he would definitely look into.

As always there is the malleable side of all hardcore artists. Money, respect and bitches can only last for so long and get you so much coochie, so Shifta has affiliated himself with what I like to refer to as the “The Social Cause”. Acquiring those now popular/annoying/over sized arm rubber bands (made popular by Mr. One Testicle- Lance Armstrong) with their respective causes branded on. Shifta and his posse sold a whopping 50,000 pieces and contributed to the proceeds to the A.I.D.S foundation.

He also ‘donated’ during the period of March-May 2005, five thousand copies of his mixed CD to less fortunate individuals in the New York and Miami area-whether this latter “Social Cause” initiative was another smart guerrilla marketing strategy or a genuine ‘relief’ effort is yet to be determined. However, I'm sure the bums he handed them out to are still figuring out how to rip the plastic of the CD cases.

Shifta is determined and relentless; he’s doing big things at such an early age of 22. Look out and recognize the smashing sound of this artist on the airwaves, stages and in some hot groupies CD player, his lyrics and flow will surely captivate and shift you’re your attention towards him.

Holla,

Jim Screechy

F@^* You, Pay Me! (Part 2) Safia Cooper & Zachary Harding Interview

What makes an Event Brand Manager successful?

Being a cynical writer, I choked when the “Boss Lady” hurled this topic at me, but as High Society’s newest ‘Elite Gopher’, proving my abilities are somewhat necessary in order to be a part of this classy entourage.

Before I get into my contractual obligation of delivering a Politically Correct Article, let me get in my spin first:

In a nutshell, Event Brand Management entails conceptualizing, planning, organizing and finally executing an event. Constant creativity, meticulous planning and venue management all come together in keeping the promoter’s names on the lips of the socially elite and masses for the next couple of months.

Example- “You did hear seh (Insert Popular Promoter Name Here) party did tough?!, Yow star, him tings always vibes!”

The social constituent of being a Brand Manager entails a lot of Public Relations, polite banter, and sometimes the proverbial ‘random’ photo opportunity amidst a select few personas- surrounding your self with professionals is a necessary task if you want to be viewed as a serious, business savvy individual.

Let’s get out of my witty banter and hear from some true professionals on the subject matter. First up, Mr. Zachary Harding- Director of Marketing for Wisynco Group, fourteen year veteran in Event Brand Management, a hundred plus events in the wake of his name, and an all around stand up guy.

Mr. Harding reminisces on one of the most popular events he personally took part in-“Groove In the Hill”, which boasted top international artists such as, “112”, “Sean Paul” and “Mr. Vegas”. Though it was held a good seven years ago, he remembers this event as one of his most enjoyable.

“I really enjoyed watching the process from its infant-like stages; grow into one of the most successful events that year.”

Also in that time period, was “Juice”. One of the first all-Inclusive party’s in Jamaica, “Juice” had innovative and methodological ideas such as the “Pay As You Drink” concept which actually refunded patrons $20 for every shot that they took!

Of course we all remember the infamous Club Liquid, held at both Devon House and Quad- a long running Dynamic Club experience that spanned five years. I personally must say that this was one of my first and better clubbing experiences, based on the quality diversity of music delivered by the D.J’s coupled with the aura of the night.

The more corporate launches Mr. Harding has been involved with were, the classy Smirnoff Black Ice Launch Series, Smirnoff Experience and Heineken Green Synergy. All of these alcohol beverages have become successful and are leading in the Jamaican market.

Mr. Harding stated, “Anyone who is creative, has good organizational skills, enjoys meeting people to form good inter-personal relationships and is willing to work hard to experience the thrill of achievement is rightly suited to enter into this field. This is a profession that demands precision, the challenge of meeting deadlines in a stipulated time and budget and the patience to pay attention to every small detail of things that go into organizing. Re-inventing the wheel constantly is necessary in order to make a good event, never try and do something that has been done before.”

Mr. Harding also pointed out that the effort ultimately provides a great deal of satisfaction-having organized a successful show which is appreciated by the audience. Of course, one also needs to be prepared to handle any mishaps that may happen at the last minute despite perfect co-ordination and arrangements.

I personally have a problem with food not being at most party’s and asked him why is it, that people like me, who are in constant need of ‘carbs’ are almost never catered for.

“People like you must eat at their house. The only elements needed for a good party are, a good selection of music, good sounding music, ease of access to drinks and lot’s of women. Even if it’s mostly women at a party, they don’t mind seeing each other”.

In closing, I had to find out the truth about the recurrent socially elite scenario: Loads of beautiful people in glossy magazines, and if it really was something he saw himself drawn to. Mr. Harding disagreed to the idea of him, ‘flossing’ and photo opportunities as part of business persona. “I’m more concerned with conceptualizing and fine tuning an event, Public Relations is secondary. I find myself constantly criticizing what I could have done different at a party, while all my friends are busy having fun.”


Second up, the lovely Ms. Safia Cooper, Brand Manager for Smirnoff Ice and Smirnoff Vodka at Red Stripe.

Jim Screechy: What are your primary duties as a Brand Manager?

Safia:

“Primarily, my role as a Brand Manager is to develop the long term strategy for the brands that I manage. This includes identifying the consumer issues that the brands face and addressing these issues with relevant activities, which include events, promotions, advertising, etc. On a daily basis I work cross functionally with the different departments within Red Stripe such as Sales, Event Marketing, Production, etc as well as the advertising and executioning agencies and promoters. Smirnoff as a global brand requires that I also interface with the International Smirnoff Brand owners on an ongoing basis.”

Jim Screechy: What, in your opinion, overall, would make a successful brand manager?

Safia:

“Being able to think strategically, being consumer driven, the ability to crack consumer insights, having charisma and being sociable. A successful brand manager has to be able to leverage the aforementioned skills so as to deliver the impact for the brand and the company.”

Jim Screechy: What do you think are the most important factors in making a successful party/event?

Safia:

“The experience that patrons have when attending an event is of utmost importance. This experience encompasses all elements of an event. These include:

• The event must be built upon a unique concept which can engage patrons.
• The event must be marketed in a fashion that attracts the target audience.
• The comfort/ease in getting to the actual venue of the event. (where shuttle service is provided)
• The security service provided. (to encompass the event parking lot to patrons just having a sense of safety at the event)
• The professionalism of the bar service. (ease of getting drinks at the bar to just common courtesy of the bar staff)
• Great caterers. (where it is an all inclusive event food should not run out and must be prepared properly)
• The music provided. (there should be less talk and more spinning)
• Getting value for money. (any event offering made to patrons must be delivered upon by the promoter)

Jim Screechy: As a brand manager do you do a lot of PR?

Safia:

“PR opportunities do come about especially around brand activities, and it’s not only about 'taking pictures with random people in glossy magazines'. These PR opportunities are strategically driven, so as to ensure that brand exposure is achieved.”

Jim Screechy: Do you like the whole PR side of the job?

Safia:

“Yes. The PR portion of this job does have its perks!”

Jim Screechy: Would you help promote anything you didn’t believe in?

Safia:

“No. Particularly if I believe that it’s something that is immoral, essentially it goes against my principles and values. “

Jim Screechy: Have you ever promoted anything you didn’t believe in?

Safia:

“No.”

Jim Screechy: How long have you been in the position that you're currently in?

Safia:

“I’ve been with Red Stripe for four years, and I started working on these brands two years ago.”

Jim Screechy: Do you think in order to be a good brand manager, having a popular last name helps, or a parent?

Safia:

“No, in fact there are many persons at Red Stripe and the wider industry who do not know who my father is!”

Jim Screechy: Did the last name help though?

Safia:

“No, because within Diageo (multinational parent company for Red Stripe) leadership and functional (marketing) capabilities determines your success within the company. “

Jim Screechy: Really now? Be honest.

Safia:

“I am being honest!

Jim Screechy: What are some of the events/parties that you’ve worked on?

Safia:

“Smirnoff Experience, Special Delivery, Smirnoff Xclusive, Blink, Osmosis, Smirnoff Ice Univercity Tour, etc. “

Jim Screechy: Do you think being a female Brand Manager has an advantage over a male Brand Manager? Is there a difference anyway whatsoever?

Safia:

“No, however I do look better in pictures!!”

Jim Screechy: Do you honestly think that there is a point, other than different viewpoints, why my editor would want me to interview both a male and female Brand Manager? Is the sex much of an issue in Brand Management?

Safia:

“No, capability is more critical to the role. However having personality is also a plus!”

F@^* You, Pay Me! (Part 1) -Jim Screechy's US$500 Winning Rebuttal

Below, a lil foreign cutie tried to test me in a "He said, She said" article for an overseas entertainment magazine- she was smashed instantly upon my rebuttal and withered away into obscurity, whilst, yours truly was victorious and won the US$500.00 prize. I hear she now lives in Alaska searching for the meaning of life. Better luck next time wench!

For Richer or Poorer, in Cleanliness and Hunger
by: Dana Schwarborough

“…She cook mi food and keep me place clean, she press mi shirt and fix me pants seam, she’s the girl of my dreams…”
“Love All Girls” (Ching Chong Medley), Beenie Man

Do you, Lisa, take thee, Nicholas, to be your lawful wedded husband-for better or worse, for richer or poorer, to have and to hold, to love and to cherish; to honor and to respect in sickness and in health till death do you part?
These familiar words grace many-an-ear on that magical day women of every age, race, or social standing dream of. Now read it again. Take a long and hard look at this declaration that makes up conventional wedding vows. Nowhere among these words does it dictate specific roles that women should play within the sanctity of which they are about to enter. What if traditional wedding vows (for those individuals who pass on writing their own) read as such: Do you, Lisa, take thee, Nicholas, to be your lawful wedded husband-for better or worse, for richer or poorer, to have and to hold, to love and to cherish, to cook and clean for, to submit to his every request, to honor and to respect in sickness and in health till death do you part? Kind of changes the perspective a bit, doesn’t it?
Island women generally live by society’s standards: we man the home, tend to the children, and typically love, honor, and obey our husbands (as traditional wedding vows would mandate). Not only do Caribbean women abide by society’s standards, we go above and beyond the norm to perform other outrageous tasks that these men ask of us. You would think that that would be enough, right? Wrong! Some men often make these tasks a requirement, a basis on which they make their decision of whether or not a woman qualifies as “wifey” material. In fact, Dancehall artist Beenie Man goes so far as to call this type of woman “the girl of his dreams.” Ok…so in a nutshell, the way to hook a Caribbean man is to be his domestic princess? If a woman is no Sous Chef or is domestically challenged, she isn’t suitable enough to be an island man’s fantasy? Well alert the masses and raise the red flag because for some, this just may pose a problem.
There is a colossal Caribbean presence here in the States, and with the migration, culture inevitably follows. If there is one thing that people from the islands in the West Indies have in common, it is the domestic character that women are expected to play.
Let’s take a deeper look. Island men can be portrayed using two extremes: there is the easygoing man who appreciates the clothes-washing, the cleaning, and the daily homemade meals (these men do not enjoy fast food!) but more often than not, lends a helpful hand without being asked; or there is the backyard man who goes strictly by the book. Women are expected to perform certain tasks and this is the man who wants those things done, end of discussion. We usually end up with the latter, don’t we?
When I see how my friends behave in their relationships and what their boyfriends/husbands “require” of them, I shake my head in shame because I cannot see myself doing half the things that these women do. In fact, I often find myself telling my friends to go against what these men see as normal, everyday routine because I believe in 50/50 and in give-and-take. Examine this example: A girlfriend of mine came home extremely tired from a full day of work and could not get to the cooking that evening (although she cooks everyday) because she chose to rest her body instead. Her boyfriend (Guyanese), who mind you, was off from work and at home all day, gave her an attitude when he saw her lying in bed. When she asked him what the problem was, he replied, “What the hell do you expect me to eat tonight?” What does she expect you to…? (Sigh) breathe…inhale…exhale…lower the blood pressure…Here’s a thought: it may not have dawned on you amidst the hunger pains, but how about getting off your lazy behind and cooking something yourself? You would rather starve than to prepare something to eat? Ever heard of a refrigerator? Don’t you know what a pot looks like? Has the light bulb in your head turned on yet? Why don’t you cook the meal and while you are at it, serve her tonight because she is exhausted. Give the girl a break!
Guys, it is one thing to make a point about a household situation; it is another thing to be belligerent about the whole thing. Have some compassion. Have some understanding. You claim to be men, act like it! Is it unmanly to wash the clothes that you stink up and dirty? Are you not being a man if you clear the table after dinner? To many women, you are being more than a man and that is what we love.
With the changing times, the ridiculous things that some Caribbean men expect purely should not be expected. Women are making moves. We are advancing. We are more independent, we are landing corporate positions, challenging the world and most importantly, ourselves. Society in general has shifted tremendously from when our parents were growing up. Households are morphing from men being the breadwinners to both marital entities possessing careers. As such, we have some serious catching up to do.
Marital expectations are in place because of upbringing; the way that-as a child growing up-some watched their parents act towards one another. Simply put, as maturing adults, men can only anticipate their wives providing as their mothers did for their fathers; and in some instances, this behavior is all that some island women know. Let it be known, the men have been spoiled for way too long!
Picture it, ladies: waking up in the early morning to have breakfast already prepared, coming from work to find the house tidy, dinner on the table, clean clothes put away neatly in the drawers, and our feet in the hands of our Caribbean kings, receiving a much-needed foot massage. Wouldn’t it be nice?
Yes, culture is vital. Where we come from will always play a role in the person we are to become and what we would expect of others. However, relationships should always be about conciliation. A man or husband is not a being who trots off to work in the morning, comes home to sit at the table and eats du riz cole avec pois and banane peze or the roti and curry chicken that his wife prepared for him. He doesn’t solely supply the finances from his career to pay the usual bills or please his woman by taking her on a sexual vacation in order to give her a break from her day-to-day routine of getting the kids off to school, cooking dinner, and tidying up the house. On the contrary, he is a being who is in touch with his masculinity, so much so that he can wake up and get the kids ready for school, make the bed, or wash the dishes in order to give his wife a break because she had a long and tiresome day making a phenomenal presentation to important clients at her place of business.
The Caribbean is home to us, regardless of whether or not we live in the States. Customs will undeniably shadow every individual with the intention of preserving identities. In the midst of it all, life is about progression. Married life is about sacrifice and compromise. Responsibilities, especially household ones, should not lie in the lap of the woman. Marriage is a partnership. Domestic values should exist so that both marital parties are involved. It relieves a lot of tension and stress, which in turn saves both husband and wife a lot of time...time that can be devoted to those much needed sexual vacations.

Jim Screechy's Rebuttal

(Tag!)-It seems to be my turn, now for my rebuttal to that washy eulogy you just read:

“Pimping isn’t easy, but somebody’s got to do it.”- Jim Screechy

Prelude:

(Obviously fat chick/ girlfriend/wife enters room and asks boyfriend/husband:

“Honey, do you think I’m fat?”

Men, do you want THESE familiar, recurring words, stinging at you ears for the rest of your life? Well whether you like it or not, it’s going to happen, especially if you’re the family type guy who wants picket fences, kids and a... (cough, cough)...wife.

Ok, I’m all for a happy some-timish monogamous relationship like most dudes, but let’s get one thing straight….let’s keep it REAL! Caribbean women, though the most beautiful variety of women on earth, come with flaws that are unique to this region.

Let’s get one thing straight from the start- chicks cook, full stop. It’ somewhere embedded in your DNA structure to do so. It’s undeniable. Check your old CXC Integrated Science textbook if you’ve forgotten, it’s in there somewhere..I think.

Too much superfluous babble has been spent over the years yapping about guys who don’t go in the kitchen to cook. Why don’t we? First of all, we don’t have the patience, finesse, pickiness or stringent personality needed to measure minute ingredients, adjust correct temperatures and trying to figure out if there’s a real freaking difference between “mixing” batter when you should actually be “folding”. If you really look at it, such intricate details are better left for the sex used to such anal behavior on a day to day basis-the female. Females after all do have a lot of daily practice in the areas of intricate details, in the guise of “yapping”, “badgering” or even “mental bludgeoning” of the male species.

While I’m in the kitchen, let me get rid of this lazy stigma that has shrouded us Caribbean males. Why do we prefer it when our Caribbean women cook? Why is it that after your long day of work, we come home and bitch about food not being hot and ready? Caribbean women are the best cooks in the world and we hate a day to go by without your lovely cooking, it’s like our daily bread, full stop. There’s no great mystery. So if you see us bitching and complaining; it’s actually our deep love and craving for your cooking, manifesting itself in anger (and even a bitch slap here or there) Don’t over analyze what I just said, just believe it. Another point, is that we love the build up to that good meal you prepare; the actual preparation-the sight of your full round Caribbean rear ends jiggling as you stir that pot-round and round and round and round…

Relationships are all about giving and taking and both parties’ bring something to the table to unite one wholesome and fruitful union. If you really think about it, it’s not that Caribbean men never contribute to household tasks, its not that we’re lazy; it’s just that we play more of a supporting role. Without us, the ladies wouldn’t even be able to do those lovely tasks around the house. We don’t ever do anything constructive in the kitchen? Who installed that overpriced, purely superficial faucet that you hoaxed us into getting? Who drains the sink when it’s clogged with the gunk you created during one of your famous weekend culinary experiments? Who spent two hours, on their back, amidst rusty pipes and dirty water, installing that (also) overpriced Corian kitchen sink you wanted? If you calculated the sum of all the installations we men did ourselves, you’d realized that we saved our ‘Union’ a lot of money, versus getting a so called ‘professional’ to do it. Look on it this way, for all that money we saved; the least you could do to pay us back is make a couple meals a day and throw in a random BJ here and there. Deal?

In closing, I must say that it’s looking rather sticky for Caribbean women out there. I love you, but your time looks like it’s possibly coming to an end, so please step your game up. If we give you an opportunity, please show your first-rate colours-it’s the least you can do for all those times of dragging us through emotional hell, when you had all those other guys running down your heels and us standing on the side like some first rate “watch di pooms”. We Caribbean men are looking for independent women who can go through the ups and downs of a relationship, someone who will still stick around and encourage us if we loose our job or if we’re under stress; someone whose body ‘snaps back’, as if nothing happened after having a couple of kids; someone who doesn’t bitch, moan and nag; someone spontaneous, swallows and is beautiful- a white tourist woman.

"Ahhh...so can we make buggery legal now?"

Attorney -General A.J Nicholson is foaming at the mouth and perhaps other orifices over Governments hesitancy to decriminalize buggery. During parliamentary deliberations Senator spewed forth statements depicting his burning passion to no longer live in fear of being prosecuted for a life, some say is secret. "There is no intention, whatever, that any section or provision of the Buggery Act is to be amended. Period! " based on reports within the parliament many were shocked with such a statement. Nicholson was said to be near the point of tears as he passionately argued his views on why the act should be seen as an alternative to females.

"The days of Sodom and Gomorrah are long gone, but many nowadays still have these and only these urges as the only way to copulate! And whilst we're on the subject of decriminalizing buggery, we should make same sex marriages legal to! Let a man and my man...I mean another man be together if they want...or a woman and a woman, whatever the case may be!"

Live Chickens Fly, But Dead Chickens Will Fly Higher!

Jamaica's largest producer of poultry has clucked that chicken prices will fly high over the next week or so.

Christopher Levy, rich snob of poultry operations of Jamaica Broilers Group, clucked that prices and chickens will fly sky high to increase to as much as 5% in two weeks mash.

The increasing price of corn is stated to be the cause of the oncoming price hike, but specialists in the industry have devised a plan to solve the problem. Shytie Undies, head of operations on the company's production pen, and hopeful individual for the president post, has initiated a revolutionary experiment to recycle corn. "Anyone human who has ever ate corn knows that at least 25% of that said corn consumed comes back out undigested in poop. Consumers shouldn't have to pay more for good quality chicken just because the price of corn has gone up. Chicken meat is the most popular protein source for Jamaicans, so let's recycle the pooped corn and kick back that savings onto the consumers!"

There has been speculation about these methods of feeding undigested corn to chickens, but Shytie Undies claims that anyone who has ever been to a mass production pen for chickens should note that the ground is littered in feces anyway. " If you really look good, 75% of the ground full of chicken shit, and when time the chickens get fed, sometimes the feedin' drop on the ground. You think the chickens are smart enough to wait and pick carefully at what's on the ground when them trying to eat? "

"No More Rum Bars for Police!" says Portia

Sista P has warned the police to immediately cease and desist the daily stops at the local rum bar. The afternoon stops, a staple for many young, wayward and inept policemen, facilitate the leaking of secret operational plans that are to take place in the future.

"It's because of these ungodly acts of alcohol consumption on the job why there is so much crime in the western end of the island! The police are blabbing secrets to their rum buddy's or to ease droppers set up by the criminal ring to listen out for tips in rum bars, knowing full well that one or two squaddies will pass through and have a drink!"

Highlighting the recent investigation into corrupt cops, it's been duly noted that corruption or thoughts thereof first start at the local rum bar where rookie cops, stopping for refreshment, get lured into the underworld of crime and money. Rum Bars are where most drug lords or 'top shottaz' stop to show off their money and bling to the local bar rats/hoochies.

Reports show that whilst in the bar, police of different moral caliber are often put to shame and jeered as they're only capable of affording a soda or sky juice to quench their thirst while those above the law, who don't do half of the social work they do or receive the daily sun pelting and bus fumes, are able to afford say a ice cold Tropical Rhythms or fancy Northern American refreshment.

Rum Bars as Sista P states are a, "...Pot of Evil. Facilitating corruption of our policemen who are more than satisfied with their paltry government wages and facilities."