F@^* You, Pay Me! (Part 1) -Jim Screechy's US$500 Winning Rebuttal

Below, a lil foreign cutie tried to test me in a "He said, She said" article for an overseas entertainment magazine- she was smashed instantly upon my rebuttal and withered away into obscurity, whilst, yours truly was victorious and won the US$500.00 prize. I hear she now lives in Alaska searching for the meaning of life. Better luck next time wench!

For Richer or Poorer, in Cleanliness and Hunger
by: Dana Schwarborough

“…She cook mi food and keep me place clean, she press mi shirt and fix me pants seam, she’s the girl of my dreams…”
“Love All Girls” (Ching Chong Medley), Beenie Man

Do you, Lisa, take thee, Nicholas, to be your lawful wedded husband-for better or worse, for richer or poorer, to have and to hold, to love and to cherish; to honor and to respect in sickness and in health till death do you part?
These familiar words grace many-an-ear on that magical day women of every age, race, or social standing dream of. Now read it again. Take a long and hard look at this declaration that makes up conventional wedding vows. Nowhere among these words does it dictate specific roles that women should play within the sanctity of which they are about to enter. What if traditional wedding vows (for those individuals who pass on writing their own) read as such: Do you, Lisa, take thee, Nicholas, to be your lawful wedded husband-for better or worse, for richer or poorer, to have and to hold, to love and to cherish, to cook and clean for, to submit to his every request, to honor and to respect in sickness and in health till death do you part? Kind of changes the perspective a bit, doesn’t it?
Island women generally live by society’s standards: we man the home, tend to the children, and typically love, honor, and obey our husbands (as traditional wedding vows would mandate). Not only do Caribbean women abide by society’s standards, we go above and beyond the norm to perform other outrageous tasks that these men ask of us. You would think that that would be enough, right? Wrong! Some men often make these tasks a requirement, a basis on which they make their decision of whether or not a woman qualifies as “wifey” material. In fact, Dancehall artist Beenie Man goes so far as to call this type of woman “the girl of his dreams.” Ok…so in a nutshell, the way to hook a Caribbean man is to be his domestic princess? If a woman is no Sous Chef or is domestically challenged, she isn’t suitable enough to be an island man’s fantasy? Well alert the masses and raise the red flag because for some, this just may pose a problem.
There is a colossal Caribbean presence here in the States, and with the migration, culture inevitably follows. If there is one thing that people from the islands in the West Indies have in common, it is the domestic character that women are expected to play.
Let’s take a deeper look. Island men can be portrayed using two extremes: there is the easygoing man who appreciates the clothes-washing, the cleaning, and the daily homemade meals (these men do not enjoy fast food!) but more often than not, lends a helpful hand without being asked; or there is the backyard man who goes strictly by the book. Women are expected to perform certain tasks and this is the man who wants those things done, end of discussion. We usually end up with the latter, don’t we?
When I see how my friends behave in their relationships and what their boyfriends/husbands “require” of them, I shake my head in shame because I cannot see myself doing half the things that these women do. In fact, I often find myself telling my friends to go against what these men see as normal, everyday routine because I believe in 50/50 and in give-and-take. Examine this example: A girlfriend of mine came home extremely tired from a full day of work and could not get to the cooking that evening (although she cooks everyday) because she chose to rest her body instead. Her boyfriend (Guyanese), who mind you, was off from work and at home all day, gave her an attitude when he saw her lying in bed. When she asked him what the problem was, he replied, “What the hell do you expect me to eat tonight?” What does she expect you to…? (Sigh) breathe…inhale…exhale…lower the blood pressure…Here’s a thought: it may not have dawned on you amidst the hunger pains, but how about getting off your lazy behind and cooking something yourself? You would rather starve than to prepare something to eat? Ever heard of a refrigerator? Don’t you know what a pot looks like? Has the light bulb in your head turned on yet? Why don’t you cook the meal and while you are at it, serve her tonight because she is exhausted. Give the girl a break!
Guys, it is one thing to make a point about a household situation; it is another thing to be belligerent about the whole thing. Have some compassion. Have some understanding. You claim to be men, act like it! Is it unmanly to wash the clothes that you stink up and dirty? Are you not being a man if you clear the table after dinner? To many women, you are being more than a man and that is what we love.
With the changing times, the ridiculous things that some Caribbean men expect purely should not be expected. Women are making moves. We are advancing. We are more independent, we are landing corporate positions, challenging the world and most importantly, ourselves. Society in general has shifted tremendously from when our parents were growing up. Households are morphing from men being the breadwinners to both marital entities possessing careers. As such, we have some serious catching up to do.
Marital expectations are in place because of upbringing; the way that-as a child growing up-some watched their parents act towards one another. Simply put, as maturing adults, men can only anticipate their wives providing as their mothers did for their fathers; and in some instances, this behavior is all that some island women know. Let it be known, the men have been spoiled for way too long!
Picture it, ladies: waking up in the early morning to have breakfast already prepared, coming from work to find the house tidy, dinner on the table, clean clothes put away neatly in the drawers, and our feet in the hands of our Caribbean kings, receiving a much-needed foot massage. Wouldn’t it be nice?
Yes, culture is vital. Where we come from will always play a role in the person we are to become and what we would expect of others. However, relationships should always be about conciliation. A man or husband is not a being who trots off to work in the morning, comes home to sit at the table and eats du riz cole avec pois and banane peze or the roti and curry chicken that his wife prepared for him. He doesn’t solely supply the finances from his career to pay the usual bills or please his woman by taking her on a sexual vacation in order to give her a break from her day-to-day routine of getting the kids off to school, cooking dinner, and tidying up the house. On the contrary, he is a being who is in touch with his masculinity, so much so that he can wake up and get the kids ready for school, make the bed, or wash the dishes in order to give his wife a break because she had a long and tiresome day making a phenomenal presentation to important clients at her place of business.
The Caribbean is home to us, regardless of whether or not we live in the States. Customs will undeniably shadow every individual with the intention of preserving identities. In the midst of it all, life is about progression. Married life is about sacrifice and compromise. Responsibilities, especially household ones, should not lie in the lap of the woman. Marriage is a partnership. Domestic values should exist so that both marital parties are involved. It relieves a lot of tension and stress, which in turn saves both husband and wife a lot of time...time that can be devoted to those much needed sexual vacations.

Jim Screechy's Rebuttal

(Tag!)-It seems to be my turn, now for my rebuttal to that washy eulogy you just read:

“Pimping isn’t easy, but somebody’s got to do it.”- Jim Screechy

Prelude:

(Obviously fat chick/ girlfriend/wife enters room and asks boyfriend/husband:

“Honey, do you think I’m fat?”

Men, do you want THESE familiar, recurring words, stinging at you ears for the rest of your life? Well whether you like it or not, it’s going to happen, especially if you’re the family type guy who wants picket fences, kids and a... (cough, cough)...wife.

Ok, I’m all for a happy some-timish monogamous relationship like most dudes, but let’s get one thing straight….let’s keep it REAL! Caribbean women, though the most beautiful variety of women on earth, come with flaws that are unique to this region.

Let’s get one thing straight from the start- chicks cook, full stop. It’ somewhere embedded in your DNA structure to do so. It’s undeniable. Check your old CXC Integrated Science textbook if you’ve forgotten, it’s in there somewhere..I think.

Too much superfluous babble has been spent over the years yapping about guys who don’t go in the kitchen to cook. Why don’t we? First of all, we don’t have the patience, finesse, pickiness or stringent personality needed to measure minute ingredients, adjust correct temperatures and trying to figure out if there’s a real freaking difference between “mixing” batter when you should actually be “folding”. If you really look at it, such intricate details are better left for the sex used to such anal behavior on a day to day basis-the female. Females after all do have a lot of daily practice in the areas of intricate details, in the guise of “yapping”, “badgering” or even “mental bludgeoning” of the male species.

While I’m in the kitchen, let me get rid of this lazy stigma that has shrouded us Caribbean males. Why do we prefer it when our Caribbean women cook? Why is it that after your long day of work, we come home and bitch about food not being hot and ready? Caribbean women are the best cooks in the world and we hate a day to go by without your lovely cooking, it’s like our daily bread, full stop. There’s no great mystery. So if you see us bitching and complaining; it’s actually our deep love and craving for your cooking, manifesting itself in anger (and even a bitch slap here or there) Don’t over analyze what I just said, just believe it. Another point, is that we love the build up to that good meal you prepare; the actual preparation-the sight of your full round Caribbean rear ends jiggling as you stir that pot-round and round and round and round…

Relationships are all about giving and taking and both parties’ bring something to the table to unite one wholesome and fruitful union. If you really think about it, it’s not that Caribbean men never contribute to household tasks, its not that we’re lazy; it’s just that we play more of a supporting role. Without us, the ladies wouldn’t even be able to do those lovely tasks around the house. We don’t ever do anything constructive in the kitchen? Who installed that overpriced, purely superficial faucet that you hoaxed us into getting? Who drains the sink when it’s clogged with the gunk you created during one of your famous weekend culinary experiments? Who spent two hours, on their back, amidst rusty pipes and dirty water, installing that (also) overpriced Corian kitchen sink you wanted? If you calculated the sum of all the installations we men did ourselves, you’d realized that we saved our ‘Union’ a lot of money, versus getting a so called ‘professional’ to do it. Look on it this way, for all that money we saved; the least you could do to pay us back is make a couple meals a day and throw in a random BJ here and there. Deal?

In closing, I must say that it’s looking rather sticky for Caribbean women out there. I love you, but your time looks like it’s possibly coming to an end, so please step your game up. If we give you an opportunity, please show your first-rate colours-it’s the least you can do for all those times of dragging us through emotional hell, when you had all those other guys running down your heels and us standing on the side like some first rate “watch di pooms”. We Caribbean men are looking for independent women who can go through the ups and downs of a relationship, someone who will still stick around and encourage us if we loose our job or if we’re under stress; someone whose body ‘snaps back’, as if nothing happened after having a couple of kids; someone who doesn’t bitch, moan and nag; someone spontaneous, swallows and is beautiful- a white tourist woman.