Who the Hell is Ms. Right? I’m looking for Ms. Right Now!

When I started writing this piece, my sole purpose wasn’t just to try and make an extra buck, this serves as a Public service Announcement to all my brothers.

I want to enlighten the masses about the painful but undeniable truth- there is no “Ms. Right.” It’s a phony prophecy conjured and hammered into our heads from watching those blasted animated Disney movies at an early age, promising everlasting, unwavering love and happiness.

There is no right chick, we men are fickle, and only deal with what feels right at the time. After each painful removal of our heart by that girl we had a crush on, guys quickly figure out what to do next time-why search, when you can wait until something drops on your plate? That’s what dog’s do and they’re happy, right? So instead of going down the depressed route and asking yourself if you’re really suppose to be gay because of so many failed relationships; look on it the realistic way- all girls come standard with a minimum of 6 basic flaws that we men can’t control: Weight Issues, Friend Issues, Mental Issues, Hair Issues, Skin Issues & last but not least- the overuse of the little orifice we like to call the mouth, The Talking Issue.

Using my PIMP experience, I’ve come up with a couple of female categories that I guarantee will cross a male’s life during one point in his life. These categories, however paltry do represent true to life episodes of some writers’… I mean some dudes dynamic story. Read on and see if you can identify a type of girl that has crossed your path.

Remember guys, the secret to getting over any girl is to have a good insurance policy- have a backup chick. I use the best one out there, it's called “Pimp Protection”.

The Wifey
The closest specimen ever en route to the fictitious notion of “Ms. Right”. Normally she is viewed as the first girlfriend from the days of high school.

We normally illustrate this girl as “the one who got away” and never had to tuck in her belly while doing so. The reason this girl slipped through you buttery-ass fingers is due to some uncontrollable occurrence: Migration, attending University abroad or because of sexual tension -as the wife NEVER puts out- you are caught sniffing...I mean searching around in her delicates’ draw. She’s the girl you compare all the other girls in your life to. The one you find yourself chatting to for hours on MSN Messenger, when you should really be concentrating on your 9-5 job. No matter how much effort you try and put into getting her back, you find yourself repeatedly slamming into the “Best Buds” wall she has formed between the both of you.

The All out Hoe
Also defined as being at least two years younger than you. This variety can be found grazing any trendy store. Eye contact is made, mouths salivate, ‘tents’ pitch and she gives you every opportunity in the world to get dem digits. Yes, it’s as easy as that. The next day you get to talking and behold- the first question to come out her mouth is if you’re a virgin, and if so how many positions and places have you had sex. After being a bit dodgy with the question and finding out that she has done ‘it’ almost everywhere including her ex’s car bonnet, she reveals to you the only way a rendezvous can happen is if you pick her up at her aunt’s house- as the ‘pops’ is a Pastor, has some idea about her past ‘conquests’ and wouldn’t approve of any gentleman callers sniffing around the porch-which leads to the verification of the Jamaican Myth: females spawned from ‘men of the cloth’ are the “Worst bad bruck Pinckney on the face of the planet!”

So after getting all the particulars straight with the chick, you rendezvous, do the ‘do’ and get to stepping. After a couple ‘rumbles, you both have your full, it’s neither here or there. No calls, no need to pass by aunties house anymore. Easy come, easy go.

The Juvenile a.k.a Ticky Ticky
This variety is defined by the capacity to always be laughing and/or giggling about almost anything in sight, or anything that come out of your mouth. She has the affinity to be light headed most, if not all of the time, which results in and compliments her bold and wild freakiness. Example: Subject will try and bestow southward pleasures on you, or try and make you play “Hide Frankie the Finger” while her mom is watching The Learning Channel in the next room.

Subject is also characterized to be the MOST manny manny girl ever- due to her age she is always reliant on the attention of a wide variety of men.

The manniness in her comes to a climax while at some party that you both attend, she dances with every guy except you, as you stand by watching like the teenage bait that you are.

The Disheartened Wench
This character only comes along as a result of you and your ‘boys’ sticking to the ‘G Code’ that simply states: “Sharing is caring”. This character is normally recommended from a close friend. The subject is still not over THAT friend, so the timely intervention & soothing company of another male is key. Still not over the pain of lost love, most conversations are filled with, “I just can’t believe he did that.” to which -if you’re smart- you’ll reply, “I know just how you feel.”

After enduring a couple weeks of neediness on her part, if you pull this off right enough, coupled with strategic pathetic sad puppy faces, it’ll definitely get you to where you want to be: a comfy parking space at Devon House, at night, Air Conditioning on the lowest possible temperature and a baton twirling security guard amidst; left baffled as to why your car is the only one with foggy windows.

The ‘Joe Grind’ Experience
This species is defined by her stunning looks. She’s the type that EVERY guy goes after. No one is immune to her beauty. The short of it is that she is all pretty face but no character whatsoever- but her ass is too fine to pass up, even if it leads you down a road of destruction. How do you meet? She’s got a man, they’re having problems, and she calls you every night in tears after they come off the phone. She needs comforting. Comforting leads to, “Hey what you doing for lunch tomorrow?” Lunch leads to long gazes and playing footsy under the table of Pizza Hut, oblivious to her friend sitting right beside you.

All of sudden you both are the quintessential “Batty & Bench” -always seen together. A day doesn’t go by that she doesn’t call you or flirt with you. Your natural human response is a fast and steady development of an oily ‘pudding’ in your back, until one day after weeks of resisting her temptations you give in.

From that day on, you are an official male matey. All her friends see you together but have no idea what’s going on. Constant Joe grinding is the order of the day, she can’t get enough of you, and vice versa. You find every parking lot in both major universities to quench the lust for each other, every free school period an opportunity to drive back home together. You’re enamored by her beauty and the ‘props’ you get from other guys for actually knowing this chick. You eventually cause the break up between her long time boyfriend, and all her friends find out.

You’re status is now raised to “Top Shotta”, as you are the “guy to break up this great relationship”. Eventually Karma is the bitch she always is, and what goes around comes around. She moves on to some other dude, as the relationship is “too much to handle” and “everyone is talking”. You’re a train wreck and sad that you’ve lost the best piece of ass to ever cross your path, but what always brings a smile to your face is the reminiscing of the way you ‘wore that out.’

The Christian Chick
After your many college years of pimping, you decide to take a break. Maybe you need a little Jesus in your life. You’re weary from the long and treacherous road of College Hoes. The thought always crossed your mind, but you never believed you would ever find a good looking Christian chick. So you find her. She’s a 7, but that’s ok, as there’s almost no good looking Christian chicks in Jamaica anyway.

Her attributes are immature behavior and what I like to refer to as ‘Chicken Coop Syndrome’-locked off and totally unaware of society’s norms and values because of her devout love for God. You find her passion for God mysterious and enlightening- she actually has your lazy behind going back to church, and quoting scriptures. You can see a future ahead of you: Kids, picket fences, a dog named Rambo and the smell of bacon; however you are always questioning yourself if the sex will be any good, when you finally do get some -will she consult God first if I tell her my fantasies of wanting Rambo and the Parakeet watching us have sex?

Later on you realize that she’s not really mysterious; she’s actually just fucking boring. You’re not allowed to watch a freaking horror movie, your beloved Sopranos, or your Sunday Night HBO line up- as it’s ungodly and she doesn’t approve of such things. You ask yourself if you can stand another Saturday of watching freaking “Shrek” with her baby sister.

Because of her ‘Chicken Coop Syndrome’, she doesn’t respond well to problems, and the first thing she does when hardship arises is to run and drop the Jesus Bomb on you-“I’m sorry, I talked to my councilor and she said that if I don’t feel comfortable about something I should just let it pass.”

The Conclusion? You tell yourself never to talk to another girl that doesn’t know her left foot, from her right.

The Snake under Grass ‘Ho’
The MOST deceptive bitch ever to ever cross your path. She is characterized by the only girl to slip by your pimp radar and do the pimping herself…on you!

She is defined by her family problems, constant talk about marriage and a better life which is anywhere but home, away from one or both of her annoying parents. She makes you feel like a king for the first couple of months. Bending to your will, and most importantly- into any pretzel shape you desire. You put food in her trough whenever she comes over, as for some reason she isn’t well fed at home.(which is ironic considering the last sentence on this type)

You’re amazed of the girlfriend attributes she has: Rubbing your back while you watch Television and being cool enough to actually own and play a video game console, but still you keep your distance, pimping isn’t easy after all.

However, after a couple of months of a trivial relationship and squabbles, while still your girlfriend, goes abroad and comes back married. Yes married. No matter how deceptive and evil it sounds you strangely find yourself relieved and getting over her with ease; because of the one problem that stood out from the moment you met her, the reason you never carried her ass out in public, the thing that irked you silently, the one thing, no matter what excellent things she pulled off in bed- still pulled at the steel core of your masculine shallowness and inner sanctity-she was a porker.(fat/swine/Ms. Piggy)