Corporate Debauchery- escaping the monotony of your 9-5 job

For those unfortunate to be in a job you don’t like, here are a couple of interesting exercises to relieve the repetitiveness of your daily grind. It should be noted, that assessing the ineptness of your immediate supervisor or HR manager before carrying out such activities is very important.

Maximizing your lunch time

A much often overlooked and under assessed loophole in corporate Jamaica. Take your packed lunch to work and under the pretense of going to the bathroom; chow down on your food. The result will remove your hunger AND still allows you a one hour break to either visit your significant other for a quick shag or get interviewed for that job opening without letting your boss know your business.

Office Olympics

Leaving an active lifestyle at college or high school to enter the mundane tasks of a job can have disastrous effects on an individual’s mental health. For those who are used to having an active lifestyle, engaging in some blood pumping Office Olympics is the right way to regain that lost adrenaline rush. There are a number of things you can do, but this activity requires some amount of space so choose wisely. It’s always suggested that the activities have a reward, such as the victor buys lunch, etc.

Office Hurdles

Place about three to five desks in front of each other and see who can jump over each faster. This is a true test of endurance and will get your blood pumping and even make you sweat, so reserve this one for when your boss is guaranteed not to be back for an hour at least.

Office Equipment Hammer

Sick of that old wired mouse or keyboard on your desk? Too embarrassed to carry your significant other in your office, fearing ridicule. Stationary Hammer get’s rid of any prehistoric equipment and forces your boss to get on board with wireless technology. Stationary Hammer works with immediate effect, is gratifying and requires the least exertion of energy for entertainment. Whether it be stationary, or electronics, simply grab any tethered piece of office equipment, whirl it around your head and aim for the coffee mug by the annual report. Your boss will realize the disastrous effects wired technology poses to the continuance and timeliness of the organization and upgrade to wireless technology.

Partition Pole-vaulting

A must have for this exercise is a mop from the janitor’s closet and …well a partition. I recommend that you not use partitions higher than 5ft for obvious reasons. Simply get ready your mop, make sure that partition isn’t wobbly, that there’s a decent landing space behind it (void of thumbtacks) and hurl yourself over it!

Politically Correct Sexual Harassment

Unfortunately in Jamaica, we’re a nation believing in cheap labor, so most females at an office aren’t rather appealing to the eye. For obvious reasons, this doesn’t seem to apply to females working at Air Jamaica or Scotia Bank though.

For those in drab 9-5 paper shuffling jobs, you have to resort to females that unfortunately smell like Brut aerosol, constantly scratch their heads to alleviate the symptoms of wearing cheap horse hair (weaves) and leak folds of skin from the openings of their uniforms.

Use this approach if you so happen to be blessed with a lil browning at the office:

For the first few days, give her a head nod in the morning followed by a quick, “What’s’ up?” After that’s been done, ask her for her MSN name and start including her in the forwarding of nasty emails you ever received, but be sure that you also email everyone in your list. Depending on her response, you can then assume she’s a prude or she can be hit be hit on. Either way you’re technically not in trouble and you have actually found out if she’s a freak or not without having a five minute corridor meeting about her exes.

God’s gift to employees- MSN Messenger

And on the third day, god created the horse, which through the centuries, evolved into use as a beast of burden- carting mail in the 17^th century and then was taken over by the internet. If there was anything more necessary to getting through a paper shuffling day, it would be this program. Be careful though, the more boring your job is the more likely you’ll get caught using it.